In the 1960s, an educational psychologist named Laszlo Polgar conducted an experiment on his own children. He believed geniuses are not born, but rather trained. So, he and his wife, Klara, devised a plan to raise their 3 daughters to become chess prodigies. They homeschooled the girls and filled their home with books about chess strategy and framed pictures of chess champions. The girls played against each other constantly. They lived chess, breathed chess, ate chess mix for breakfast. And it worked. By the time their firstborn, Susan, was 4 she could beat adults. Sofia, their middle child, was a world champion by age 14. Their youngest daughter, Judit, went on to become the youngest grandmaster of all time.
The purpose of the Polgar experiment was to see if geniuses are born or raised. But it actually reveals something more about the parenting: your children will value what you value. James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, says “We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them.” And when it comes to raising our children to know and love Jesus, sometimes our values can actually get in the way of our goals. It’s not that GPA’s, good sportsmanship, and a clean bedroom aren’t important, but we can unintentionally make them the most important things. Take a look over the Values Table (pictured below) and pay attention to which words magically jump off the screen or make you twitch.
These are common parenting values, and even though they are good, they can get in the way of our ultimate goal of discipling our children.
“These are common parenting values, and even though they are good, they can get in the way of our ultimate goal of discipling our children.”
What do you skip church for? Do you care more about your kids getting their homework done or reading the Bible? In your budget, does your son see the values of fun and leisure more than generosity? Are you more concerned about your daughter’s college applications or her Kingdom calling?
Because our kids are watching. They can see right through to your heart. Most children have memories from before they could even speak, and they are picking up on your values.
A study in 2009 showed that 90% of youth active in church drop out of church by the time they’re sophomores in college. A follow-up study was conducted with the families whose students did not drop out of church. It revealed that the primary distinction was that these parents of kids who didn’t drop out emphasized matters of faith more than sports, career, or even grades. We need to be willing to let our values take a backseat to the greater goal of raising kids who know and love Jesus. Here are two small tweaks we can make to rearrange our routines to disciple our kids:
Practice What You Preach
You can’t pass on what you don’t have. If you’re a blonde, your wife is a brunette, and your firstborn is a redhead, then you’re going to be asking some questions. Kids aren’t just sponges, they are mirrors. They show us the best and worst of ourselves.
When our oldest son was three and he’d ask if he could have a piece of candy, my wife and I would often respond, “Not today, but maybe tomorrow.” We knew he had us figured out when we told him to eat his broccoli and he replied, “Hmmm, not today, maybe tomorrow.” We must practice what we preach.
Author Andrew Murray wrote, “First be ourselves what we want our children to be.” If you want your child to fall in love with God’s Word, where do they see you reading your Bible? If you want your child to be fluent in prayer, when will you pray with them? If you want to develop a heart of humility, do they ever hear you asking for forgiveness?
If you want your child to experience to fullness of the gospel, then you’ve got to take the first step. One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in all my years in ministry is watching a father be baptized and, as soon as he came out of the water, baptizing his children.
“One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in all my years in ministry is watching a father be baptized and, as soon as he came out of the water, baptizing his children.”
Celebrate the Spiritual
The church camp I grew up at had the fiercest competition between cabins. Games and sessions included opportunities to earn points for your team. Each good deed and correct answer was worth 100 points. Winning a game could get you as many as 500 points. At the end of the week, the cabin with the most points received the ultimate prize: a pizza party. The real secret to winning was contained within the camp handbook. It was loaded with dozens of memory verses, each with a different point value. Students could earn thousands of points for their team by memorizing verses and reciting them to leaders. And this was before Harry Potter was a thing (5 points for Gryffindor!).
Many parents take their kids to Pizza Hut after games and buy them cars for good GPA’s, but what are we doing to incentivize our kids for Christ? What accomplishments do you reward and celebrate? In our house, we recently implemented Bible time before screen time, and now our 5- and-6-year-olds want Bible time all the time.
What’s the first thing you ask your kid about when they get home? Is it, “How was school?” or, “How did you experience God today?” What if you bought your kid a car for reading through the entire Bible? Or got them donuts on the way to church every Sunday? I’ve even heard of parents grounding their kids from youth group for getting bad grades! Seriously?!
“What accomplishments do you reward and celebrate?”
Think about the photos that make it onto the wall, the stories that make it into the Christmas card, and the kinds of questions that come up at the dinner table. What is rewarded will be repeated. If we want Jesus to be a top priority for our kids, then He’s got to come before school, sports, and even chores. Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but it’s certainly not before!
Perhaps these words are stirring up some anxious thoughts. What if my kid doesn’t perform well? What if they don’t end up getting the good grades and the good scholarships and a good job? I encourage you to bring all your anxious thoughts and concerns about your kids to mind and hear Jesus’ words for you:
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33, ESV)
Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about priority. When we seek Jesus first, we show our kids that He’s worth everything. And that’s the legacy that lasts.
