My wife and I are blessed to have raised four children. I remember when we just had two. It seemed manageable at that point. We could play man-on-man defense. Then we had our third child and everything changed. All of a sudden, we had to fall back into zone defense and it didn’t seem to work that well. Then we had our fourth. We survived (and so did our kids), but it was challenging!
But Do We Really Have To?
Sometimes we would ask (a.k.a. tell) our children to do something, and on occasion they would whine, “But do we really have to?” I hope we weren’t the only family where that statement was uttered.
When it comes to talking openly and directly about sexuality and gender within the church, some Christians object, “But do we really have to?” For them, talking about it feels too risqué, too personal, too private, too potentially explosive.
Follow The Logic
If we follow that logic, conversations about sexuality and gender will be happening everywhere except the church. And that’s not a good thing.
To be honest, these conversations also aren’t happening very often between parents and their children. It seems that most Christian parents have adopted a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. We hope our kids won’t ask us about what we did when we were young, so we don’t have to tell them. And in return, we won’t ask them about what they’re doing.
When we adopt that approach in the home, we’ve effectively handed the discipleship of our children’s sexuality over to the government, media, Hollywood, and to social media influencers.
“If we follow that logic, conversations about sexuality and gender will be happening everywhere except the church.”
Stop The Press!
Right about now, you may be thinking, Wait a minute. Did you just use “discipleship” and “sexuality” in the same sentence? Yes I did. On purpose.
As Christians, our mandate from Jesus is to make “disciples” of all people. After his resurrection, he gave the apostles their marching orders:
Jesus came near and said to them, “All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:18–20, CSB)
Notice that in this passage, Jesus does not commission us to make “converts.” He didn’t ask us to “win” anyone over to a set of beliefs. He told us to make “disciples.” A convert and a disciple are two very different things. According to Jesus, the way we make disciples is by 1) baptizing people, and by 2) teaching them to observe everything Jesus commands.
Discipleship means teaching people what it looks like to be a follower of Jesus—even in the area of sexuality.
Sexual Discipleship®
Christian psychologist Juli Slattery has devoted her life’s work to what she has termed Sexual Discipleship®. She says that there may not be another area where the church has failed more than in the area of discipling people in their sexuality. In her excellent book, Rethinking Sexuality, Dr. Slattery writes,
“Because the body of Christ has often not taught Christians to think biblically about sexuality, the average believer is immature in his or her understanding of God’s heart for this area of life. Most have personal opinions, but few know how to form those opinions based on God’s truth as revealed in creation and Scripture.”
I agree with Dr. Slattery when she writes, “Although Christians may talk about discipleship, the culture has actually achieved it—at least in terms of sexuality.”
“There may not be another area where the church has failed more than in the area of discipling people in their sexuality.”
That Didn’t Go So Well
I remember an occasion where our staff learned that two high-profile volunteers were living together (though not married) and vacationing together. They were wonderful people and were fun to be around. They had a positive impact in the area in which they served.
So, we were a bit shocked when we found out. But here’s the thing: they weren’t even trying to hide it. As far as they were concerned, they weren’t doing anything wrong. And they had grown up in and around church!
So someone on our staff had to have an awkward conversation to verify whether or not they were living together. That conversation did not go well. In fact, it went terribly. The couple became very angry and defensive and made us out to be the “bad guys” (we were accused of being judgmental, legalistic, and old-fashioned).
What Just Happened?
When we regrouped, we were scratching our heads, asking ourselves, “What just happened?”
Discipleship did. Only it was in the wrong direction. The surrounding culture had discipled these people in their sexuality. Jesus and his Word got shut out, and so did we. They left the church. It was a sad, abrupt, and messy departure.
No wonder pastors are a bit sheepish about addressing sexuality and gender. No wonder the average Christian is okay just to keep silent.
“No wonder pastors are a bit sheepish about addressing sexuality and gender.”
Is Winsomeness Overrated?
Over the past 15 years, there has been a drumbeat inside evangelical circles that we need to recapture the virtue of “winsomeness.” Our culture doesn’t like hearing about sin. They don’t like hearing that what they are doing is offensive to God. In order to gain a hearing, so we’re told, we need to be “winsome.” Unchecked, that comes to mean we need to smile and avoid the uncomfortable conversations as much as humanly possible. To my regret, I must admit that I was in the “winsome” camp. My convictions did not change, but the convictions of those I was leading shifted quite a bit.
I now believe that our efforts at winsomeness have resulted in giving up precious ground to the enemy. Think I’m overstating my case? Consider the following:
Half of Christians say casual sex—defined in the survey as sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed romantic relationship—is sometimes or always acceptable.
More than 60% of Christians on a Christian dating site said “they would have sex before marriage” while 56% said they thought it was “appropriate to move in with someone.”
A majority of practicing Christians, including pastors, admit to viewing pornography and a large share say they are comfortable with the habit (49%). In general, 75% of Christian men and 40% of Christian women reported consuming porn on some level.
A 2015 Pew Research Center study found that 54% of Christians believe that “homosexuality should be accepted, rather than discouraged.”
“I now believe that our efforts at winsomeness have resulted in giving up precious ground to the enemy.”
While we’ve grown sheepish about discipling people in their sexuality, the culture has gained much ground within the church. Maybe all our efforts at being “winsome” haven’t helped. In an effort to curry favor with the culture by going silent on sexuality and gender, the sexual behaviors and beliefs of many Christians have become virtually indistinguishable from people who have no allegiance to Jesus Christ.
When The Pulpit Goes Silent
It took me a while to get there, but I became convinced that my own silence in the pulpit contributed to the erosion of belief and behavior within the church. I was having multiple conversations with parents who were coming to me privately concerned that their high school daughter was claiming “all of a sudden” to be something other than a girl. What they had learned from the culture was to affirm whatever their child claimed or wanted.
They weren’t receptive to the counsel to love their child but not to compromise what the scriptures clearly taught. Most of those families left our church in search of a church who either preached an affirming LGBTQ message or who would remain quiet about the historical Christian sexual ethic. Why?
The parents had no foundation from which to draw. Their pastor had never equipped them with rich theology and biblical teaching to meet the moment. So they were adrift in the culture and skeptical of their church.
That’s what happens when the pulpit goes silent. The wolves move in and take over. The silence of my pulpit put our people at risk. This is why I publicly repented to our people and to the Lord.
“I became convinced that my own silence in the pulpit contributed to the erosion of belief and behavior within the church.”
And it’s not just the pulpit in the “adult” service. I once thought that we should reserve teachings and conversations about gender and sexuality to our high school ministry. I was wrong about that. Very wrong. The culture starts discipling children regarding their gender and sexuality even before they can read. Stop and watch any children’s program on Netflix or Amazon, or whatever streaming service. It’s nearly all the same. They are sowing confusion and lies into the hearts of children about their sexuality and gender.
The Boomerang Effect
There are many who predict that the sexual and gender confusion that has been sown into our younger generations will boomerang into deep regret, pain, and anguish. These kids will be seeking real answers in the not-too-distant future.
They will need the lies of the culture deconstructed and replaced with truth and answers from the scriptures that reveal God’s wonderful plan for our sexuality and gender. They will need a community of disciples who know, love, and follow Jesus to help them heal and restore their lives.
Time To Step It Up
Pastors and other church leaders must not abandon parents and children in this cultural moment. We are to make disciples of Jesus, and that includes discipling in the areas of sexuality and gender.
If you or your church has tried the winsome-only approach and relegated conversations regarding sexuality and gender to private interactions, will you pause and reconsider that singular approach?
Too much is at stake for pastors and church leaders to remain sheepish. If the studies I’ve seen are accurate, we are losing much of the next generation to a sexual and gender ethic that will devastate them and obstruct them from following King Jesus. We need to be people of love, patience, courage, and clarity in discipling people in this area of life.
Pastors and church leaders, it’s time to equip yourselves with some robust theology regarding human sexuality and gender. If you don’t know where to start, here is a helpful list to get you started. This issue isn’t going away, and we are responsible before God to shepherd his flock well.
“Too much is at stake for pastors and church leaders to remain sheepish.”
I’ll close with the words of Paul to Timothy:
“I solemnly charge you before God and Christ Jesus, who is going to judge the living and the dead, and because of his appearing and his kingdom: Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage with great patience and teaching. For the time will come when people will not tolerate sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, will multiply teachers for themselves because they have an itch to hear what they want to hear. They will turn away from hearing the truth and will turn aside to myths. But as for you, exercise self-control in everything, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” (2 Timothy 4:1–5, CSB)
[1] Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think About Marrying (New York: Oxford University Press, 2011), 3.
[2] NIV and NET translate as “obey.” NASB 2020 translates as “follow.” From the Greek which means “to persist in obedience, keep, observe, fulfill, pay attention to.” William Arndt et al., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000), 1002.
[3] Juli Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality: God’s Design and Why It Matters (PRH Christian Publishing. Kindle Edition), 29.
[4] Ibid. 21.
[5] Jeff Diamant, “Half of U.S. Christians say casual sex between consenting adults is sometimes or always acceptable,” Pew Research Center, August 31, 2020, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/08/31/half-of-u-s-christians-say-casual-sex-between-consenting-adults-is-sometimes-or-always-acceptable/.
[6] Tyler O’Neil, “Christians Are Following Secular Trends in Premarital Sex, Cohabitation Outside of Marriage, Says Dating Site Survey,” Christian Post, January 27, 2014, www.christianpost.com/news/Christians-are-following-secular-trends-in-premarital-sex-cohabitation-outside-of-marriage-says-dating-site-sui’vey-ll3373.
[7] Leonardo Blair, “Majority of practicing Christian admit to viewing porn, many comfortable with the habit,” The Christian Post, October 22, 2024, https://www.christianpost.com/news/majority-of-practicing-christians-admit-to-viewing-porn-study.html.
[8] Caryle Murphy, “Most U.S. Christian Groups Grow More Accepting of Homosexuality,” Pew Research Center, December 18, 2015, www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/20l5/l2/i8/most-u-s-christian-groups-grow-more-accepting-of-homosexuality.
To view the series that James preached and for more resources, click here.
