AUTHOR’S NOTE: One of the best ways we can learn what people in crisis need is by examining case studies of people who have successfully survived a crisis. The biblical book of Job serves as a great case study and is a rich source of information and insights on what to do and what not to do for people in crisis. While Job was definitely not a teenager when he experienced his crisis, I believe the principles and insights gained from examining his crisis and the response of his “counselors” serves as a universal guide on how to effectively minister to people of all ages who find themselves in the midst of a crisis. “A crisis is any event or series of circumstances which threatens a person’s well-being and interferes with his routine of daily living.”[1]
In Job 6:26, Job was simply asking that his counselors treat his sharing of his crisis with respect: “Do you mean to correct what I say and treat my desperate words as wind?” (NIV). Have the courtesy to accept my experience at face value without questioning it. But his counselors dismissed the validity of his experience and made him feel like his words meant nothing—they totally invalidated him by not allowing his story to speak for itself.
A universal need of people in crisis is to find a safe place to “vent.” Venting is a form of catharsis[2] where the counselee just “lets it all out.” It is a kind of emotional lancing of a wound—it relieves the pressure and the pain. This is what Job was referring to in 7:11 when he spoke of “not keeping silent,” “speaking out in the anguish of his spirit,” and “complaining in the bitterness of his soul.” Job’s counselors did the very opposite of what he needed and told him to shut up (8:2).
“Job’s counselors did the very opposite of what he needed and told him to shut up.”
Teens especially need a place to vent because their parents often misinterpret it as anger and resentment directed at them and try to repress it, when in reality the teen is just trying to work through the strong emotions pent up inside of them. A good counselor will allow a teen to vent, not taking it personally or feeling threatened by the strong release of emotions and the verbal barrage that pours forth. There are times when this is all that is needed to help the teen regain their emotional equilibrium. The counselor doesn’t have to change anything, solve any problems or even give new insight—all that is required is that they be a good listener.
A person in crisis needs an opportunity to talk, confident that those thoughts and feelings are not falling on deaf ears. None of us appreciates being asked a question when there’s no obvious interest in our reply. Few kids ever have the privilege of really being listened to by an adult who will take the time that’s required and who will work hard at understanding what’s being said.[3]
One reason why people are reluctant to share their struggles with other people is that they do not want to be looked down upon just because they are currently struggling with a problem. This was Job’s concern in 12:3. He felt that his counselors were acting in a condescending and judgmental way towards him. They had determined that Job’s crisis was “deserved”—that he was an evil man who was being punished by God.
“Few kids ever have the privilege of really being listened to by an adult who will take the time that’s required and who will work hard at understanding what’s being said.”
Job wanted to be treated with respect, dignity and as an equal with his counselors. In other words, his current crisis did not make him inferior to his friends just because their lives were not in crisis at the time. Not only did Job not get treated with respect, but his counselors actually portrayed him to be worse than he actually was! They lied about him (13:4)!
Hurting teenagers already have enough self-esteem issues they struggle with just as a natural part of growing up. They do not need their counselors to add to their pain by making them feel like “second-class” citizens because they struggle with difficult issues. “Kids and families sometimes fear that if we really knew the truth about them, we’d want nothing to do with them. They, like the disfigured serviceman, have the validity of that fear confirmed all too often.”[4] A good counselor communicates total acceptance of the individual as a child of God made in His image and redeemed by the precious blood of Christ.
Job cried out for his counselors to simply be good listeners (13:5-6, 13, 17; 21:2). He said, “Listen carefully to my words; let this be the consolation you give me” (NIV).
“If you will just listen carefully to my words that will be consolation, relief and comfort to me.”
There is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is the gaining of information for oneself. Listening is caring for and being empathetic toward others. In listening we are trying to understand the feelings of the other person, and we are listening for his sake. Hearing is determined by what goes on inside of me, what effect the conversation has on me. Listening is determined by what is going on inside the other person, why my attentiveness is doing for him.[5]
Instead of patient listening, Job’s counselors gave him maxims and proverbs (13:12). In other words, instead of allowing him to vent they responded to his despairing situation with trite sayings and religious adages. It was the kind of fluff that Hallmark cards are made of: “Just let go and let God.” “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” These kinds of remarks, even though they are well-intentioned, tend to be insulting and come across as superficial and lacking in genuine concern and understanding of the situation. “In giving hope to people facing desperate situations, we must be careful not to offer simplistic answers or false hope.”[6] Your mom was right: “If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything at all!”
When teens experience a devastating crisis such as the death of a family member, severe illness or a natural disaster like Katrina they will often interpret the event as the abandonment of God. What teenagers need, and what Job needed, is to be assured that God has not forsaken them in the midst of the crisis (13:15).
“What teenagers need, and what Job needed, is to be assured that God has not forsaken them in the midst of the crisis.”
Joseph experienced one crisis after another. First, his brothers beat him up and threw him into a well. Next, they sold him into slavery. Then his master’s wife tried to seduce him and when he rejected her efforts she falsely accused him of attempted rape. Joseph was then placed in the king’s prison. He had every reason to believe that God had forsaken him and yet in the midst of all of this the Bible declares three times in the chapter that “the Lord was with Joseph.”[7] Job is similarly vindicated by God at the end of the account (42:5, 10-12). A helpful youth counselor will know how to assure the struggling teen that God is still with him, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Job continues to instruct his counselors on what he desires from them. He needs encouragement, comfort and relief (16:5). But what he gets is a lecture—a long-winded one at that (16:3). Advice giving is probably one of the most misused elements of the counseling experience. Rarely is advice giving very helpful to the counselee and it takes the focus off of the client who needs to be heard and understood and places it on the counselor. Teens feel like they get talked to plenty. What they need is someone who will really listen.
When Job feels distant from God and unsure of his standing with Him, he needs a counselor who will go to God on his behalf (16:20-21). Prayer can be a powerful tool in counseling youth as long as it is used appropriately. It is inappropriate and unhelpful when prayer is used just to avoid dealing with a difficult issue or as a “magic wand” that will automatically make it better without the hard work of going to the source of the problem and taking responsibility for working through it.
“When Job feels distant from God and unsure of his standing with Him, he needs a counselor who will go to God on his behalf.”
In 17:11 Job shares once more about the depth of his pain. From his perspective, his life is over. His plans are shattered and the desires of his heart are crushed. He needs for his counselors to acknowledge the intensity of his heartache and to understand how profoundly broken he is. Instead, his counselors minimize his pain with false optimism and empty platitudes (17:12).
Job cries out to his counselors to have pity on him and his situation for he feels that God has struck him down (19:21). But instead of support, his family, friends and closest associates have removed themselves from Job’s life. Job’s abandonment in his time of need is complete. Not only has his main source of support failed him when he needed them the most, but some actually turned against him (19:13-19).
The last kindness that Job seeks from his counselors is simply consideration for his situation. You don’t kick a man when he is down. You deal gently with him and show sensitivity concerning the crisis that he is in (30:24-25). Yet Job found himself being mocked, rejected and some even had the audacity to spit in his face (30:9-10). In their opinion he deserved what he was experiencing. They added insult to injury.
“Job found himself being mocked, rejected and some even had the audacity to spit in his face.”
It’s inevitable as you work with teenagers that you are going to encounter them in the midst of a crisis. In fact, you may feel that you simply move from one crisis to another! Exhibiting the right characteristics and possessing a knowledge of what is helpful and what is not helpful will greatly enhance your ability to minister to the teens who have been entrusted to your oversight. Caring for those in need is a reflection of God’s character, it imitates Christ’s work, and is an essential function of the body of Christ.
[1] Gary Collins, How to Be a People Helper (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1976), p. 71.
[2] “Catharsis” comes from the Greek, meaning purification. Aristotle used it to refer to the emotional purgation which spectators experience while viewing a tragic play. Freud understood catharsis as a discharge of painful memories from early childhood. In other therapies such as Gestalt, the focus is frequently on the ventilation of anger. T.L. Brink, “Catharsis” in Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, David G. Benner, Ed. (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1985), pp. 150-151.
[3] Rich Van Pelt. Intensive Care: Helping Teenagers in Crisis (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1988), p. 46.
[4] Rich Van Pelt. Intensive Care: Helping Teenagers in Crisis (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1988), p. 56.
[5] H. Norman Wright. Crisis Counseling (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1993), p. 55.
[6] Rich Van Pelt. Intensive Care: Helping Teenagers in Crisis (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1988), p. 46.
[7] See: Genesis 39:2, 21, 23. Later Joseph told his brothers that all of his misfortunes had occurred as a part of God’s plan to preserve the family (Genesis 45:5-8).
Excerpted from Gary Zustiak, Intensive Care: A Manual for Nonprofessionals Who Work with Hurting and Broken Youth. Used with permission.
