When my son was young, I hadn’t yet learned to be the father I wanted to be. I was wrapped up in all of “my” things, and my tunnel vision didn’t allow me to always see other things that should have been important. I was focused on growing a student ministry, growing as a leader, learning everything I could learn, and honestly, appearing to be a spiritual hero that “my people” couldn’t live without. Even when I scheduled in father-son time, I was often preoccupied with church ministry.
Throughout most of my son’s life, my day off has been Tuesday. Most of my friends in ministry take off on Mondays or Fridays, but I’ve always found Tuesday to be a perfect stopping point, allowing me to regroup after the weekend, rest, and then finish the week strong. Because my wife has also worked most of our son’s life, that meant Tuesday became known as “Man Day.”
On this day, “just the men”—aka, my son and I—would hang out. I would love to tell you of grand adventures we experienced and lasting memories we made. But to be fair, although there were some grand stories along the way, most of our Man Days played out in the same way.
We would get up in the morning and say goodbye to Grace as she headed off to work. Then we would sit around the house for just a bit, waiting for the library to open at 8:00 a.m. Once 8:00 came, we would walk the couple of blocks to the library to check out a stack of DVD’s. Then we would walk another couple of blocks to the gas station, where we would buy our donuts (because what Man Day is complete without donuts, right?). We would return home with our movies and donuts and spend the rest of the morning eating donuts and watching movies. At least, Andrew would watch movies while I typed on my laptop—because I never felt like I could stop working, not even on Man Day.
“I never felt like I could stop working, not even on Man Day.”
My son is currently 19 years old and in his sophomore year of college. We occasionally reminisce about Man Day, but amazingly enough, we remember it completely differently. I remember missed opportunities. I feel regret and mourn for the time I threw away, preoccupied with work. Andrew, however, remembers the time we stopped to play with our neighbor’s ferrets. And the time we got caught in a rainstorm. And the times we would meet friends at the library. Ironically, my level of regret for long-past Man Days is matched by my son’s lasting sense of comfort and security.
We remember Man Day differently because we were pursuing different things. I long for “what could have been.” But he found comfort and security from merely hanging out with me, being in my presence, regardless of what we were actually doing. He remembers that I was there, even when I now wish I would have been more there.
Our churches need Christian men and women to set aside their preoccupation with their own pursuits and to disciple the next generation as spiritual fathers and mothers. If we want revitalized churches, we need to see each other as family and for the older disciples to take younger disciples under their wings and disciple them, as Paul did for “Titus, my true son in our common faith” (Titus 1:4) and for “Timothy, my son whom I love” (1 Corinthians 4:17). To grow, our people need the intentional presence of a parent.
“To grow, our people need the intentional presence of a parent.”
If your church is to experience revitalization, her leaders must embrace the role of spiritual parents. If her leaders trade that in for any other role, the church will never experience the revitalization that you’ve been longing for. For example, leaders who choose the role of strategist will tend to produce a corporate culture that thrives on organized efficiency but ignores the need for organic relationships. Or leaders who choose decision-maker as their primary role will tend to produce a dependent culture that waits for dictated decisions and never discovers the church’s full potential.
Embracing the role of spiritual parenting requires your church to shift in these ways:
1. Form meaningful relationships.
For too many years, most of my Sunday conversations began and ended like this:
“Good morning! It’s good to see you! Hope you have a great day!”
Polite…quick…kind. And somewhat meaningless.
Several years ago, a family left my church, and on their way out the door, they paused to tell me why. “We just don’t feel like you want to be our friend.”
Initially, I brushed it off as an excuse to sneak out while saving face. It wasn’t my first experience with a family leaving, after all.
However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe the Holy Spirit was using the comment to teach me something deeper. Eventually, I was forced to confront an unwanted truth: Beyond a small group of friends, I tended to treat the larger congregation as an audience that was kept at arm’s length.
“Eventually, I was forced to confront an unwanted truth.”
If your church is going to move toward true revitalization, you’ll need to repent of treating your congregation as distant, disposable numbers and begin to form meaningful relationships with your family. You will never make disciples until you see your people as family.
2. Develop predictable patterns.
When I was younger, I openly mocked the predictability of older people. As I’ve gotten a bit older, though, I’ve discovered the wisdom in developing predictable patterns. So, when my kids were younger, we raised them within the safety of predictability. Breakfast always included prayer. Dinner was eaten at the same table. Books were read at bedtime. Mom and dad cheered at ball games, listened at concerts, and celebrated awards. My wife and I weren’t perfect, but we were predictable.
A few years ago, I made a conscious effort to broaden my predictable patterns within our community. I visit the same gas station every morning. I eat weekly meals at the same diner. I frequent the same bookstore.
When you live in predictable patterns, your community begins to predict your behavior. Live like this and you’ll learn that when people expect you to show up, it opens the door for meaningful relationships. Trust me; predictable patterns of intentional presence pave the way for the Kingdom of Heaven to come more fully in your life.
“Live like this and you’ll learn that when people expect you to show up, it opens the door for meaningful relationships.”
3. Parent the next generation.
Acts 21:16 is the final time the word “disciple” appears in the New Testament. Surely “Go and make disciples” was meant to last beyond Acts 21, right? Absolutely!
Yet as the Kingdom of Heaven moved from a Jewish world into a Gentile world, the vocabulary of the Kingdom changed as well. “Disciples” became “dear children” and the work of the Kingdom continued.
Revitalization will come when you begin the hard work of forming meaningful relationships through predictable patterns and then parenting your own “true sons and daughters in the faith.”
