Author’s note: This is my fourth article dealing with pastoral burnout. Recent Barna research revealed that 33% of ministers had given serious thought to quitting.[1] My own research for a graduate studies project showed 63% of those surveyed had given or were giving serious thought to quitting the ministry. Previous articles provide an overview to challenges ministers face and how key regular rhythms of renewal can create resiliency.
Ministry is a marathon, not a sprint. Yet we so often approach it like a sprint.
I ran a marathon once. I don’t know if I did it for the sermon illustration purposes or because a friend who wasn’t a Christian asked me. Specifically, he asked me to run the Chicago Marathon in October of that year. It was January when he asked me. I said yes without thinking.
Later that day he sent me a training plan, and we started running together almost every Saturday for our long runs. Every Saturday for 10 months, I tried to keep up with my friend who had run nearly a dozen marathons. It was a great opportunity to get to know one another better and share our lives. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to talk about my faith while also trying to breathe. But in between the gasps (mine mostly), we managed to share a lot of life.
October came and we ran (and walked and crawled) the marathon together. He was so gracious to stay with me even though he could have finished an hour ahead of me. It was a great experience, and I learned a lot. He helped me finish the race. I baptized him a few months later.
“He helped me finish the race. I baptized him a few months later.”
When I reflect on that experience, I can’t help but see the parallels with ministry. When God calls us to ministry and mission, he does so for the long run. Yet so many ministers are burning out, flaming out, or dropping out. I’m convinced that at least part of the reason is that we try to “run the race” alone.
One of the most striking observations from my research project on pastoral burnout is that the majority of ministers I surveyed and interviewed reported that they did not have a supportive community for life and longevity in ministry. Sadly, no one mentioned the value their community was having in helping them “run the race.” Barna’s research found that “today, pastors are significantly less likely to receive personal spiritual support from peers or mentors.”[2]
Jesus as a member of the Trinity exists in a relational community. Then, as the incarnate Son of God, he surrounded himself with a community made up of his disciples and a larger community of friends and followers. Sometimes he included a close circle of disciples when he went away to pray. Perhaps John 15:15 (ESV) explains best Jesus’ heart for his followers,
“No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”
“I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”
Bonhoeffer said, “Whoever cannot stand being in community should beware of being alone. You are called into the community of faith; the call was not meant for you alone.”[3] He calls community the “bringer of the message of Salvation”:
“God has put this Word into the mouth of others in order that it may be communicated to us. The Christian needs another Christian who speaks God’s Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth.”[4]
When I say don’t run alone in ministry, I am not just thinking of other ministers who “get ministry.” I’m also thinking of people who help us follow Jesus better. Joseph H. Hellerman said, “Long-term interpersonal relationship are the crucible of genuine progress in the Christian life. People who stay also grow. People who leave do not grow.”[5]
Knowing you need community and finding community are two different things for sure. It is not easy to find community, especially for a minister. However, my own experience is that when I have been intentional to pray and pursue community, God provided the people. Without trying to write a version of “How to win friends,” here are a few practical suggestions.
1. Pray.
We might assume this step or overlook it. Neither is helpful. I have seen in my own life that when I have prayed for God to send community into my life, he has done so.
I remember one particularly lonely season where we had just moved to a new state. After moving, I had to change jobs, so everything was new. I began praying daily that God would bring people into my family’s life. Soon after, I met Brian at church. We instantly connected over music. Meeting him led to my wife and I meeting another four couples who journeyed with us for a season. Remember that our Father cares for our needs and will meet them.
“Remember that our Father cares for our needs and will meet them.”
2. Choose relationships over tasks, things, and TV.
I could be overstating it, but if we want community, we have to actually choose it when given the opportunity. Even though I tend to be an extrovert, ask me to do something after a busy day and I will want to say no. Sometimes saying no is the right move, but often I have to remind myself that investing in relationships will have a much healthier long-term effect than catching the next episode of whatever Netflix show I’m watching.
3. Recognize that we need different types of community.
There is a tendency to define community in only one way. Typically, community is defined as really close friends who know everything about us. It’s better to consider that we need a constellation of friendships with varying degrees of closeness. As Joseph Myers points out in “The Search to Belong,” community is built in all four spaces of human interaction: public, social, personal, intimate.[6] This of course is a short summary and misses a lot of the nuance, but essentially these are the definitions:
- Public – Connect through sharing a common experience such as a Fantasy football league, a CrossFit class, or even belonging to a political party. No personal significant information is shared.
- Social – Connect by sharing “snapshots” of one another such as a Sunday School class or neighborhood group. Some personal information is shared.
- Personal – Connect through sharing private experiences, feelings, and thoughts. These are close friends. A lot of personal information is shared.
- Intimate – Connect through sharing raw and vulnerable experiences, feelings, and thoughts. Examples are a spouse or very close friend. The most personal information is shared.
Myers’s research suggests that a sense of belonging is found in all four spaces and that you need a lot of public space relationships, several social space relationships, a few personal relationships, and only one or two intimate relationships. The key is having relationships in all four spaces.
“It’s better to consider that we need a constellation of friendships with varying degrees of closeness.”
Another couple thoughts on this constellation of friendships: Make sure you find friendships where you are not the leader or the minister or pressured to teach anyone anything. Find people you can just be you with.
At the same time, make time for friendship with a not-yet-believer or younger (in age or maturity in Christ) believer. I am often surprised how much I grow in my walk with Christ through these relationships.
4. Accept that community will look different for different seasons.
When I was in my 20s, I met with two other youth ministers at Burger King every week. Even though I gained ten pounds doing so, I also gained a lot of support for my ministry and life. In my 30s, my community was a group of guys from the church. Our families hung out all the time, and we met weekly for coffee, prayer, and Bible study. They are all still good friends to this day even though we live states apart. In my 40s I struggled to find community. It was a bit of a desert-like experience. It taught me a lot about the need for community and the struggle to find it at times.
Now in my 50s, I’m experiencing yet another nuance of community. The best words I have to describe it are spiritual friendship. These are friends where the conversations center around where God is showing up in our lives, the shape of our souls, and how we can pray for one another.
“These are friends where the conversations center around where God is showing up in our lives, the shape of our souls, and how we can pray for one another.”
5. Seek others who are taking their own spiritual walk seriously and will take yours seriously as well.
Community that supports ministry for the long haul will be community that spiritually supports you. There is nothing wrong with leadership and ministry groups. It is good to sharpen our leadership and ministry skills. But these skills are not enough for the long run. Seek friendships where you mutually help one another be formed to grow into the likeness of Jesus.
[1]“New Data Shows Hopeful Increases in Pastors’ Confidence & Satisfaction,” Barna Group, accessed June 26, 2024, https://www.barna.com/research/hopeful-increases-pastors/.
[2] The State of Pastors, 2024, https://barna.gloo.us/reports/the-state-of-pastors-feature.
[3] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (Minneapolis, MN: Fotress Press, 2015), 56.
[4] Bonhoeffer, 6.
[5] Joseph H. Hellerman, quoted by John Mark Comer in Practicing the Way: Be with Jesus, Become like Him, Do as He Did (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook, 2024), 126.
[6] Joseph R. Myers, The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community, and Small Groups (Grand Rapids, Mich: Youth Specialties, 2003), 39.
