If given the choice, many people would opt for living in a do-less, get-more world. With the emergence of generative artificial intelligence, it can be tempting for a student to want to submit a single sentence to a chatbot—and let AI create the essay. Ever since COVID, it’s been tempting for some to want to watch church from home and hope to get the same impact as in-person interaction. Get-rich-quick schemes and get-fit-quick programs excite people looking for maximal payoff with minimal effort.
I want to suggest that a lot of us bring these do-less, get-more expectations into relationships too. What if so many of our flagging and failed relationships stem from a lack of effort?
I am not a doctor, therapist, psychologist, or relationship expert. There are folks in the church I pastor who have been married longer than my parents have been alive. I have, however, lived through a broken relationship that God has restored to a place of a healthy marriage, and what I bring to this conversation is from a place of first-hand experience.
I believe it’s even possible to be a hard worker in most areas of life—but then somehow feel justified in putting next to no effort into our relationships.
“I want to suggest that a lot of us bring these do-less, get-more expectations into relationships too.”
One of the qualities I’ve always admired in my father is his unwavering work ethic. Throughout my life, he’s been a fixture in the maintenance departments of various places. He’s the kind of person you can rely on to fix things, a true problem solver. His dedication and willingness to step in and help, whether by giving instructions or doing the job himself, have always inspired me, and I have tried to carry the same work ethic into my time in the military, college, seminary, and my jobs including ministry. I’m starting to realize the importance of carrying this same work ethic into my relationships. It’s shocking how easy it is to know the importance of effort in many areas of life, but to forget its importance in our relationships.
As I was reading Ephesians recently, I couldn’t help but notice the emphasis Paul places on effort as he tries to unify the Ephesian church. In Ephesians 4, Paul encourages the hearers of the message to walk as mature believers. As they grow in maturity, the church will become unified and serve God as one people. They are told to be gentle, humble, and patient, as they bear with one another in love (see Ephesians 4:1-5).
How will all this happen though? Although gentleness, humility, and patience are traits the Holy Spirit grows within us as we follow his lead, don’t miss this directive that Paul adds: “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3, NIV).
“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
I believe that laziness in our relationships is a contributing factor to why marriages fail at an alarming rate and divorce looms large as one of the biggest epidemics of this generation. Laziness in relationships is also why so many friendships fade into oblivion. What you put in today will come to fruition tomorrow, and thus, if you want a healthy marriage, friendship, or relationship of any kind, you’ll need to put in the effort.
Here are three practical steps I want to suggest for applying effort in your relationships.
1. Schedule time for the relationship.
One thing that will always be true of eastern Colorado, where I live, is that the wind will blow. You don’t even have to guess; it’s just what happens. Similarly, one thing I pretty much already know about you (even if we’ve never met) is that you’re probably busy. These days, we’re all busy—even if “busy” means not much more than watching a lot of Netflix in the evenings.
How do we find time in our busyness to invest in our relationships? It requires us to intentionally set aside time. You need to schedule a time to get together or make a phone call to catch up. You’ll need to carve out a commitment of time in one form or another to that other person, and if you value your trustworthiness, you’ll follow through on your commitment. Defeating our inclination for laziness starts with intentionality. Good intentions and friendly small talk aren’t enough to sustain a relationship; you’ve got to be willing to spend time.
2. Have regular check-ins.
One of the routines that significantly benefited my childhood and continues to bless my life to this day is sharing meals around the table. Regularly eating together allows my wife and me to communicate about how our days went and what might be stressing us out. These times are also opportunities for us to check in on how our relationship is doing. These short check-ins have become a crucial aspect of revitalizing our marriage, which had at one time been yet another divorce statistic.
It’s important to remember, however, that just sharing meals together isn’t a guarantee that you’re connecting in your relationships. Take your pick of restaurants and look around at the people dining together, and you’ll likely see more people talking with their thumbs than with their mouths. We seem to be combining laziness in our relationships with forgetfulness of the art of communication. What if getting back to face-to-face conversations around the dinner table could be a significant part of the solution we desperately need?
From a practical standpoint, my wife and I have implemented a few rules to help curate open communication between us. The first rule is that phones are banned from the dinner table as well as in bed. This forces us to converse with each other rather than focus on outside distractions. A second rule is that each night, we do a check-in to see if there is something that we can do better. This often looks like asking the other person, “What was one thing I did to make you feel loved today?” and, “What was one way I could do better?”
Make every effort: “These times are also opportunities for us to check in on how our relationship is doing.”
That last question is probably the most important but the hardest to swallow. We love celebrating our triumphs but hate to sit in our shortcomings because of the guilt and shame associated with them. However, a willingness to work within open communication is critical for healthy relationships. Ask yourself this question: In the relationships I struggle with, am I open to regular, honest, two-way communication with that person? If not, do better. Generations of people are watching you and implementing what they see.
3. Don’t stop pursuing.
A third suggestion from experience I would like to share is this: never stop pursuing the other person. In a culture where laziness is our inclination, the idea of pursuit can seem almost taboo. Yet as we flip through the pages of Scripture, we will see constant stories of pursuit, as God lovingly pursues us.
How well are we pursuing those we are in a relationship with? Are we pursuing them with the same passion and joy in which God chased us? Or are we assuming minimal-to-no effort in our relationships is enough to get by?
Make every effort: “As we flip through the pages of Scripture, we will see constant stories of pursuit, as God lovingly pursues us.”
Again, I want to suggest that we ought to intentionally set aside time in our busy schedules for the relationship. We should also schedule regular check-ins to see how the relationship is going. And instead of lazily assuming that relationships run on a do-less, get-more formula, let’s not stop pursuing those we are in relationship with. Ultimately, if we want healthy relationships, we must reflect Christ’s pursuit and love for us.
