The people in your church are being discipled into somebody’s view of marriage, sexuality, and gender. Is your church helping to disciple its people into God’s view as described in the Bible—or is your church increasingly at the mercy of predominant cultural views? We want to give you a snapshot of what a church can do to help build a culture of trusting biblical authority when it comes to tough topics. Antioch Christian Church in Cedar Rapids, IA, recently spent three weeks walking through a sermon series on what the Bible teaches about marriage, sexuality, and gender. They then followed up the series with a mid-week panel conversation discussing specific issues that can come up for Christians trying to live out these biblical teachings as parents, students, teachers, etc. The leadership at Antioch asked four of their own—a youth pastor, counselor, campus pastor, and theologian—to join the conversation, moderated by the senior minister. The following is a sampling of that conversation.
Moderator: Good evening, everybody! Thank you for being here. John 1:14 tells us that Jesus was full of grace and full of truth. Within that tension, there are probably times you excel in one and lag in the other. Jesus never lacked in either grace or truth, and we want to follow him, for he is worthy of being followed. The same goes for tonight’s conversation, in which our aim is to follow Jesus in being full of grace and truth.
My end goal for every single person connected with this church is that we lead them into disciple-making relationships. I want to get that person on a team around other Christ followers. Whatever it takes to make that connection is my end goal. So, if someone comes to the church and struggles with any sin, say alcoholism, that’s not going to be the first five minutes of my conversation. However, we do want to lead people into honesty about their struggles and into commitment to biblical truth.
“My end goal for every single person connected with this church is that we lead them into disciple-making relationships.”
All five of us on stage are in process too, yet we all are committed to the Bible being our guide when it comes to marriage, sexuality, and gender. So, let’s begin, acknowledging the importance of letting grace and truth guide every answer.
Q. How do we approach these topics with our kids?
Panelist 1: In over 20 years of youth ministry, I’ve had a lot of conversations with parents whose kids are facing one crisis or another. One of the realizations that has struck me is how reactive we parents tend to be. “Someone said this to my kid; what do I do?” So, when I had my own kids, I wanted to be proactive. I knew whether I discipled them or not, they were getting their answers from somewhere.
Proverbs 22:5 tells us, “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Now, as a proverb, that’s a general truth and not an absolute promise, but I can say from personal experience as a parent that it’s a gift to be the one starting your kids off in these conversations. Because I was the first voice in their lives—for example, when it came to talking about sex—I was able to frame the narrative. I became the expert, and they were able to see when their friends didn’t know what they were talking about. I highly encourage you parents to be the first to start these conversations.
“I highly encourage you parents to be the first to start these conversations.”
Panelist 2: Let’s say you have two kids, Joey and Zoe. Joey has a high sense of moral standards, and Zoe has a high sense of empathy. She’s kind of a bleeding heart. They’re both school-aged and have been exposed to the rainbow flags around town and the pride shows on Disney+. They both have friends who have started identifying as transgender and fairies and as furries, etc. Let’s say Joey tends to see people as either good or bad, and he has the sense that LGBTQ+ people are bad people doing bad things and messing up our world. Zoe tends to see people not so much as good or bad, but as privileged or oppressed. Since people in LGBTQ+ communities have historically been oppressed and marginalized, she has a lot of empathy for them and tends to agree with them on what’s right and wrong.
So, which kid is right? If you trace that trajectory, Zoe ends up being the person described at the end of Romans 1, applauding evil things. Joey ends up a Pharisee, where you’re either a good person (like him) or you’re a bad person. What both kids need is the gospel of King Jesus who brought a kingdom of grace and truth. In his kingdom, King Jesus brings together Pharisees and tax collectors to the same table under his lordship. In Jesus’ kingdom, it’s not good people VS bad people. It’s not privileged people VS oppressed people. Instead, you’re either in Jesus’ pasture, or he’s out looking for you. Joey needs to be reminded that love is a matter of truth and grace, and Zoe needs to be reminded that love is a matter of grace and truth.
“You’re either in Jesus’ pasture, or he’s out looking for you.”
Q. How do you respond when something comes up on TV that goes against the Bible’s teachings on marriage and sexuality and your little ones are watching?
Panelist 3: My kids are 5 and 7, and I heard them talking once in the backseat, “Did you know it’s possible for kids to have 2 dads?” I asked, “What show told you that?” They mentioned two TV shows. So we took the gentle approach. We said, “We’re not going to watch those shows. They’re not funny. They make jokes about things that we don’t think are funny.” Of course, they are logical at a young age and ask what’s not funny about it. I explained, “The way God made the world is that God made marriage, for a man and a woman, and so we’re going to watch a different show.” We explain that Mom and Dad do the same thing. We love Jesus, so we don’t put things before our eyes that go against what he tells us. It is good for them to see that we have integrity in this area too and that sometimes we don’t get to watch what we sometimes want to watch.
Panelist 1: Yeah, and I would add that you can tackle subjects early on without going super in-depth. Sometimes it’s letting them know ahead of time that they won’t agree with everything that is taught, whether on TV or at school. You can clue them in that they might hear something that sounds weird, and if so, please tell me about it and we’ll talk. That can be a light way of staying ahead on the issues.
“We explain that Mom and Dad do the same thing. We love Jesus, so we don’t put things before our eyes that go against what he tells us.”
Q. What does it look like to be full of grace and truth in a relationship with someone who identifies as LGBTQ+?
Panelist 4: Often, we struggle with how we can live out grace and truth in relationship. In his book Messy Grace, Caleb Kaltenbach talks about how love lives in the tension of both grace and truth. Our job as a friend isn’t to preach at the person but to love the person from within the tension of grace and truth. If we continue to love them in this way, they will see Jesus through us. Although what we say is important, they’ll especially see Jesus in how we treat them over time.
Panelist 2: A couple stories might be helpful here. First, Guy Hammond was involved in a ten-year homosexual relationship and hundreds of anonymous homosexual encounters. What changed for him was meeting Christians who genuinely loved him and were willing to spend time with him over an open Bible. It took two years of this relational discipleship before he came to a biblical understanding of sexuality, and now he leads an organization (Strength in Weakness) which helps bridge the gap between the church and LGBTQ+ communities.
“Although what we say is important, they’ll especially see Jesus in how we treat them over time.”
Another story: Rosaria Butterfield was a lesbian professor at the cutting edge of the LGBTQ+ revolution. Along the way, she wrote an article about conservative Christians, to which a Christian pastor responded with a letter. He was respectful and complimentary in his letter, although he also took issue with some of what she wrote. It puzzled her what to do with the letter, because it didn’t fit into either of her two mail baskets—one for fan mail, the other for hate mail. The letter led to a friendship and a two-year ongoing discipling conversation with the pastor and his wife. After two years, she left homosexuality behind and today is a Christian author, pastor’s wife, and homeschool mom. There is a lot of power in discipling relationships of grace and truth over an open Bible.
Panelist 3: A related question I have wrestled with is how you connect when you’re no longer invited into the relationship. As in, sometimes your Christian views, even when you hold them with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15), can get you disinvited from the relationship or at least from some relational events, such as extended family get-togethers. But I believe that the gentleness and respect, over time, is what will bring me back into the relationship.
“I believe that the gentleness and respect, over time, is what will bring me back into the relationship.”
Q. Let’s say your 15-year-old daughter comes home and says she’s no longer a girl. How do you respond?
Panelist 1: The first words out of my mouth: “I love you.” I want her to know there’s nothing she can say that will break my love for her. Then I will say, “Can we have a conversation about this?” Permission is important here. If they don’t want to talk, you’ll likely create a wall by forcing the conversation. But you keep fighting for the relationship and showing that you care, and eventually you have permission to speak into their lives in ways that they will listen. They need discipleship, and that’s not something that happens overnight; it’s over the long haul. They need to get to where they can accept the truth, and that happens in a discipling relationship. So, obviously, we need to be intentionally discipling our kids along the way, and then, if something disruptive happens like this, the foundation is there for seeking God’s truth.
Panelist 4: Here are a couple thoughts, both from the book Messy Grace. Although discipling relationships are key, it’s best if your first reaction to news like this is not to immediately start throwing Bible verses at them. There’s a time and place for walking through what the Bible says. But if they’ve opened up their heart to you and are telling you something they struggle with, they’re probably not going to listen to the verses if they’re coming in a barrage. You don’t want to turn them away from hearing truth for when the time is right.
“We need to be intentionally discipling our kids along the way, and then, if something disruptive happens like this, the foundation is there for seeking God’s truth.”
Also, don’t tell them you’re going to take them to therapy and the therapist will fix them. None of us can change another person’s heart. That’s God’s job. It’s our job to listen and love people. There might be a time for therapy, but making that your initial response tells them that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them, and that will make it harder for them to open up to you.
Moderator: I would also add this: Don’t freak out. Often, we Christian parents hope that our kids will never struggle with sin, and if they do, we just hope it’s one of those “acceptable sins” we can hide from people. That’s not a healthy way to look at it. I think it is good to expect that, sometime, your kid could very well experience a significant moral failure. Be prepared for that conversation ahead of time. In that conversation, you have a huge opportunity and privilege in them cluing you in on their struggle. That conversation is a crucial moment, and I would encourage you to go ahead and pray in advance for God’s help and guidance for when that moment comes. I believe the Holy Spirit will empower you in those moments, so you need to seek his guidance.
