I once heard Tim Keller say, “Wise leaders know that leaders are lonely, and they escape the trap of self-pity about it.” True, but Keller’s talk provided no answer to my immediate question, which was, “Yes. But how?!” I dare not trust myself to attempt to round off a Tim Keller sermon.
But I will say that Christ has shown Himself to be good news to me in my loneliness, and I want to witness to how he could be good news to you in your leadership loneliness.
Let’s start with Keller’s first insight by acknowledging the fact that, yes, leadership is often lonely. Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton went so far as to say that loneliness is the penalty of leadership. I prepared to write this article by talking with leaders, in various contexts, about the common experience of loneliness in leadership. Here’s what they told me:
- Leadership feels lonely because no one sits where you sit, sees what you see, or carries the burden that you carry. Stephen Covey says that being understood is one of the most refreshing human experiences. Leadership—to a certain extent—is relinquishing the right to have someone understand what it is to be in your unique place.
- Leadership feels lonely because your title transforms relationships. Understandably, some of your people are primarily motivated to befriend you to advance their careers, and others withhold transparency from you to protect their careers. To be sure: those relationships are real, they’re just not normal. And you sense that.
- Leadership feels lonely because your list of confidants is short, or nonexistent. You question who you can be fully transparent with about your questions, frustrations, and weaknesses without it having a negative impact on you, your people, or your organization. It’s wise to not be fully transparent with everyone, but it’s lonely when you can’t be fully transparent with anyone.
“It’s wise to not be fully transparent with everyone, but it’s lonely when you can’t be fully transparent with anyone.”
- Leadership feels lonely because you deal in deviations. Leadership is going first in imagining, testing, exemplifying, and advocating for that which the rest of the group isn’t. At the least, you feel like the lone prophet. At the most, you’re a symbol of loss and the target of a group’s reactivity. Both are lonely.
As for Keller’s second insight, escaping the trap of self-pity in our loneliness begins by recognizing the truth of Christ and His gospel.
The incarnate Christ came creating community. His incarnation, death, and resurrection gave us inclusion into the communal life of Father, Son, and Spirit. From this participation in the communion of God, Christians have community with one another. The ascended Christ’s reign includes perfecting community until He returns. His Spirit is knitting together the hearts of His people and increasingly strengthening the experienced unity of of the Church.
If the Devil, death, and our own depravity aren’t preventing Christ from catching you up in His community-creating work, then leadership can’t either.
I believe the self-pity of loneliness can be transformed into joy as we are led by Christ in stepping into the community He’s creating. Here are four ways:
#1 – Step past self-created barriers.
True community is Christ’s work and gift to us. We can’t do anything to make Christ give us His gifts, but we can live in a way that cuts us off from receiving His gifts. I’m an internal processor who tends towards independence. My tendencies and habits have at times acted as unnecessary barriers to the heart-knitting that the Spirit wants to do with me and those around me.
Thankfully, God has led me into a sense of having comrades in leadership by teaching me to intentionally bring people into my processing and asking for help. Christ is inviting you to remove that which would work against His community-creating work.
“True community is Christ’s work and gift to us.”
#2 – Step into a recognition of the presence of God.
The indwelling presence of the promised Spirit is the gift of Christ in you. God’s presence isn’t an ideal to be pursued, or an experience to be conjured up, but a reality to be recognized. Furthermore, He’s the primary leader of those people—so He’s more familiar with your unique burden than you are. I heard Christ’s invitation to enjoy the sweet fellowship of leadership with Him through a man named J. K. Jones who once said, “God is inviting us to be present to the presence of God.” Christ is inviting you to enjoy the presence of God that was purchased by His community-creating work.
#3 – Step into a community of leaders.
Christ has redeemed people from every nation, tribe, and tongue . . . and occupation. You have people who are already brothers and sisters, because of Christ, right there in your city.
My church once went through a major internal storm. I initially didn’t know who was safe. God began to turn the corner by sending another local pastor who took me out to breakfast, listened to me vent, told me I wasn’t crazy, and shared similar experiences from the life of his church. He and other brothers and sisters in leadership continue to encourage me to this day. Christ is inviting you to enjoy community with other leaders that was created by His community-creating work.
“You have people who are already brothers and sisters, because of Christ, right there in your city.”
#4 – Step into transcendent friendships.
Christ is creating a community that exemplifies the love of God that endures—a love that isn’t altered or diminished by your title. You may not experience this with everyone, but the community-creating work of Christ is a safe bet that you’ll experience this with someone.
God has blessed me to be a part of a small friend group that formed prior to leadership and continues on through leadership. Though most of us live hundreds of miles away, we talk multiple times a week. Next to God Himself, these friendships have been my lifeblood through the loneliness of leadership. Christ is inviting you to give priority to those friendships that transcend your leadership.
Conclusion
Christ is Good News to you through the loneliness of leadership. He’s heaven-bent on making His community-creating work your lived experience. Where do we start? Hopefully a set of conversation-with-God-starters will point you in the right direction.
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- Father, what barriers to Christ’s community-creating work are you leading me to remove?
- Father, grace me to be present to your presence in my leadership.
- Father, who are the leaders that you’re leading me to be in community with?
- Father, what are the friendships that you’re leading me to give first importance to?
