We know integrity when we’re around it, but what does the word “integrity” actually mean? It’s got the same root word as the one found in “integrate,” “integrated,” and “integral.” The idea is wholeness. It’s bringing the parts together into one whole.
So, what would a friend with integrity be like? A friend with integrity is one person. He’s bringing his whole self into the relationship—not just the parts he wants you to see. He’s not just showing you the side that pretends to like you but he’s really competing with you behind your back.
No, a friend with integrity brings her whole self into the relationship—so that you’re dealing not with two people, but with one. That’s integrity.
When There’s Not Integrity in Friendship
So, what do you get when there’s not integrity in friendship? You get betrayal.
The book 1984 by George Orwell describes a dystopia in which the government has gotten so big that it spies on everyone. Nobody is allowed to have freedom in their thoughts or their beliefs. You have to believe and do everything the government tells you to believe and do.
It’s an awful world to live in, and in the middle of this Big-Brother world, two people fall in love. Winston and Julia both hate the government, and in secret, they talk about how much they want to bring the government down. They discuss how, even if they are captured and tortured by the government, the government could never make them stop loving each other.
Well, in the end, both are captured by the thought police. Both are brought in, interrogated, and threatened with torture. And in the process, both of them betray the other. They say, “Don’t do it to me, do it to him/her.” They betray each other, and that’s how Big Brother wins.
“So, what do you get when there’s not integrity in friendship? You get betrayal.”
Betrayal in the Bible
The Bible has multiple examples of people being betrayed at the deepest levels.
Cain invites his brother Abel into the field. Abel thinks Cain wants to show him something interesting. And while Abel is unsuspecting, Cain comes up from behind and kills him.
And it was night.
Joseph’s brothers hate Joseph more than anybody else because their father loves Joseph more than anybody else. The father sends Joseph to go find his brothers who are out shepherding their sheep. Joseph sees them, and apparently they welcome him to come. He gets closer and closer, and when he’s close enough, they ambush him. They grab him, throw him down into a pit, and deliberate on whether they will kill him or sell him for money. And it was night.
Samson and Delilah are flirting with each other. Delilah keeps trying to get Samson to tell her the secret to his great strength. Finally, he tells her, essentially, “Okay, I’ll tell, but I’ve never told anybody this. It’s my hair, it’s never been cut. That night,
“After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him.” (Judges 16:19, NIV)
The soldiers come, grab him, gouge out his eyes, and put him in prison. And it was night.
“The Bible has multiple examples of people being betrayed at the deepest levels.”
Jesus too experienced betrayal. He predicts that Judas will betray him, hands him the bread, and tells him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” Listen to how John describes it:
“As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.” (John 13:30, NIV)
When it comes to friendship—whatever you do—don’t to be a Judas. Or a Cain or Joseph’s brothers or a Delilah. Whatever you do, don’t be somebody who earns trust only to break it. Don’t be the guy who brings someone in for a hug only to stab them in the back.
So, how? How do we be a friend that doesn’t turn out to be a Judas? How do we be a friend with integrity—one person instead of multiple? Somebody that your friend can truly trust?
A Framework for Christian Friendship
What does it mean to be one person you can trust instead of a master of multiple masks? I hope you take time to look through Scripture, learn from Scripture what it means to be a good friend, and frame your own biblical definition of friendship. What follows is how I have personally chosen to frame it, and I get this framework from Romans 12. Maybe this framework will help you as you think through your own biblical definition. First, here’s the passage of Scripture:
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.” (Romans 12:9-16, NIV)
From these verses, we find four rules for bringing your whole self into a friendship, and not just a part of you that you want them to see. But before we get to these four rules, let’s focus in on the first verse we read, verse 9. In fact, let’s zero in on just the first four words:
“Love must be sincere.” (Romans 12:9a, NIV)
Christian friendship: “Love must be sincere.”
The Greek word for sincere here is literally “not hypocritical.” Love must be not hypocritical. “Hypocrite” was the Greek word for an actor, someone who wears masks. This is someone who is two or more people instead of one. Paul says that love is not that. Real love is not an act.
In The Picture of Dorian Gray, written by Oscar Wilde, we are introduced to a beautiful young couple, Dorian and Sibyl—he the enviably handsome gentleman and she the talented and beautiful stage actress. But when her acting career dulls, he loses interest in her and becomes cold toward her. After a particularly bad stage performance, he tells her, “You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect.”
That’s scary. It’s unnerving to think that someone could kill our love because of poor performance—and then to realize, all along, it wasn’t real love. It’s scary to consider how much of our friendship with others could turn out to just be an act when things don’t play to our advantage.
Sometimes all it takes for us to see that our friendliness was just an act is getting close enough to people because that’s when you see the real person. It can be like blowing bubbles into the air and trying to catch them. When you get too close, the bubble pops. And the moment it pops, you’re on to your next bubble.
“Sometimes all it takes for us to see that our friendliness was just an act is getting close enough to people because that’s when you see the real person.”
It’s scary, isn’t it? This possibility that a lot of our love could be just an act. Which is why Paul says, “Love must be sincere.” Love must not be an act. We’ve got to be the real thing, or we’re going to betray each other.
Rule #1 – Hate what is evil.
In Romans 12:9, Paul continues with two ways we can make sure our love for each other is real—that we’re being one person in our friendships and not two.
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9, NIV)
Those are going to be our first two rules. How do we make sure our love for each other isn’t an act? How do we make sure we’re a friend that others can trust? A friend with integrity?
First, we hate what is evil.
In your friendships, if you celebrate or laugh at what is evil, that is not love. If you affirm what is sinful, your “love” is just an act. Real love means that we need to hate evil—yes, even the evil we see in our friends. Yes, especially the evil we see in our friends.
Why? Because if we love the person, we hate that which will destroy the person.
Evil destroys people. A doctor attacks cancer to save the patient. We hate evil because we love people.
Christian friendship: “We hate evil because we love people.”
Rule #2 – Cling to what is good.
C. S. Lewis described marriage as two people facing each other, whereas he described friendship as two people facing ahead toward the same thing. They realize that they’re both interested in the same thing, and they’ll say, “You too? Me too!”
We discover we’re both fans of the Chiefs or we’re both interested in motorcycles or knitting or we’re both fighting for the same cause.
And the truest friendships will be the ones that discover that they’re both seeking the good. They cling to the good. As Christians, we see God as the ultimate good, and so the truest friendships are like what we see in John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress. Christian and Faithful are two friends, encouraging each other every day toward the Celestial City. And when Faithful is put to death for his faithfulness, Christian is joined by a new friend Hopeful, and together they keep encouraging each other onward toward the Celestial City. True friends cling to the good and encourage each other toward heaven.
But sometimes in our friendships, we’re not encouraging each other toward what is good. Instead, we’re often just kind of along for the ride. It’s about making small talk or about surviving socially, hopefully having some laughs along the way. Pilgrim’s Progress was not an easy journey. Christian has to make it up the Hill of Difficulty, through the city of temptation called Vanity Fair, through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. It’s a difficult journey, but Christian and Faithful and Hopeful keep encouraging each other onward, and in the end, they make it to the Celestial City.
Christian friendship: “Christian and Faithful and Hopeful keep encouraging each other onward, and in the end, they make it to the Celestial City.”
That was Pilgrim’s Progress, written in the 1600s. Then in 1843, the American writer Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote a short story called the “Celestial Railroad.” It followed the same journey as Christian had traveled in the Pilgrim’s Progress, except that this was not a difficult journey by foot; it was a quick, easy trip by railroad. Along the way, there are plenty of friends to talk with, but they’re mainly just joking around, telling you, “Look out the window at those ridiculous pilgrims still walking the journey!” Laughing at their struggle up the Hill of Difficulty and through the Valley of the Shadow, all the while, from a window seat on the train. And whereas the traditional pilgrims are still trying to keep their purity as they make their way through Vanity Fair, for the railroad, Vanity Fair is a favorite shopping center, where you and your friends can barter your purity away.
The problem wasn’t that the train ride wasn’t enjoyable or easy. The ride was both. There were plenty of friends to joke around with, and it was an amazingly easy journey compared to their journey by foot.
The problem was that in the end, the Celestial Railroad didn’t arrive at the Celestial City.
It’s a true friendship if you’re helping each other cling to what is good and encouraging each other onward toward heaven.
Christian friendship: “It’s a true friendship if you’re helping each other cling to what is good and encouraging each other onward toward heaven.”
Rule #3 – Rejoice with those who rejoice.
Kids are naturally self-absorbed, and that’s what makes birthday parties a mixed bag. There you’ve got four friends all watching the birthday kid open her birthday presents
And they might be hiding it or not hiding it depending on how old they are, but they’re probably all feeling it: jealousy. I wish I was getting that toy. I can’t believe my parents bought that toy for her. I’ve been asking for months, and my parents won’t buy it for me. But they’ll sure buy it for her.
Except sometimes there’s that one friend who is watching the opening of the presents with more excitement than the birthday girl herself. Why? It’s because, “I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she opens the present I got her! She’s going to love it so much!”
In a world of, “Why doesn’t that happen for me?” you can be the friend that says, “I’m so happy for you!” Rejoice with those who rejoice.
Christian friendship: “In a world of, ‘Why doesn’t that happen for me?’ you can be the friend that says, ‘I’m so happy for you!'”
Rule #4 – Mourn with those who mourn.
This is the family friend, a busy professor in Wichita, KS, who, when he heard that one of our family members was having a serious surgery a few years ago, dropped everything he was doing so he could come and just be with us in the hospital.
This is the woman in our church twelve years ago who, when she heard my wife had experienced a miscarriage, came to the hospital to give my wife a gift. She herself had had a miscarriage years before, and she couldn’t get her words to come because of the tears. But she said way more than words would have said, because she was mourning with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15 (NIV) says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
I’m surprised at Jonathan in the Bible. He was next in line to be king, and he had no greater threat for the kingship than David. And yet, he accepted that David would be the next king, and he was happy about it. Jonathan rejoiced with those who rejoice, and David never had a truer friend than Jonathan.
“Jonathan rejoiced with those who rejoice, and David never had a truer friend than Jonathan.”
I’m surprised at David who had no greater enemy than Jonathan’s father Saul. And yet when King Saul died, when David’s longest, most vengeful enemy was finally out of the picture, nobody mourned him more than David. David found Saul’s one surviving grandson and brought him into the palace to be part of his family. David was mourning with those who mourn, and Saul never had a truer friend than David.
What You Can Be for Someone
I’ve decided what I want to be when it comes to friendship. It’s possible to be a superficial friend or a secretive friend or a suspicious friend or a suffocating friend.
Instead, I’ve decided I mainly want to be a safe friend. For my friends, I want to be a safe person they can trust. Life can get hard. People can get treated as if they’re not worth much. People can get used up as if they’re a roll of paper towels. In that kind of world, I want to be a safe friend for people. Someone they can trust.
I want to be someone who is quick to listen to them, slow to speak my opinion (although I’ll speak it), and slow to get angry at them.
I want to suggest that the best way to be a safe friend—a trustworthy friend, a friend with integrity—is to hate what is evil, cling to what is good, rejoice when you rejoice, and mourn when you mourn.
Sometimes the people you make friends with won’t turn out to be safe people. You’re probably going to have somebody in your friend group, in your ministry, or on your staff who turns out to be a pretender. Even though they look like they care, they’re a pretender.
You’re also going to have somebody in your life who is a deserter. They do care, they are on your team—until life gets tough. Or you do something really wrong. Or you do something really right, and you get canceled. And you’ll look for that friend, but they’re gone. They’ve deserted you.
“Instead, I’ve decided I mainly want to be a safe friend.”
Again, you’ll likely have a pretender in your life and a deserter in your life. Jesus did. The pretender was Judas; the deserter was Peter. And in his final opportunity as their teacher, guess what Jesus was doing? He was washing the feet of both.
I want to be surrounded by people who are safe for me. I can’t always control that, but I can be a safe person for them. I know that sometimes in my own ways, I’ve been a pretender and I’ve been a deserter, and yet Jesus keeps me around. So, I can make it my goal to be a safe person for others.
How?
- I hate what is evil
- I cling to what is good
- I rejoice when you rejoice
- I mourn when you mourn
Have you ever read or watched Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy and wondered about the impossibility of it all? That Frodo the hobbit is going to travel across the world to destroy an evil ring. Past hooded sword-drawn horsemen who are constantly hunting for the ring. Past an all-seeing, lidless eye that is constantly looking for the ring. Past army after army of goblins and orcs. All the while, the ring is going to be messing with his mind, getting Frodo to love the ring, to adore the ring, to see it as precious—so that eventually he will never allow anyone to touch the ring, let alone allow himself to destroy it in the fires.
It’s an impossible mission. How in the world could Frodo accomplish it? And of course, the answer is, he can’t. It’s a fool’s errand.
“It’s an impossible mission. How in the world could Frodo accomplish it?”
Except that he does. And how?
Well, he’s got a friend named Sam. Sam won’t leave him alone. Sam stays with him, makes sure they’ve always got food. Sam fights off giant spiders. When the ring is messing with Frodo’s mind, Sam keeps telling Frodo the truth. When the ring is too heavy for his friend to carry, Sam carries his friend.
You’ve got friends that are up against more than they can handle. But Jesus put you in their lives. And you can be one of the Sam’s they’re going to need.
How? Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good. Rejoice when they rejoice. Mourn when they mourn. And keep encouraging each other onward toward that sunrise on the horizon.
