“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather, it is one of those things which give value to survival.” —C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I am of the opinion that, of the many good gifts God has given for our enjoyment and enrichment, friendship is one of the most precious. As described by Lewis above, friendship is indeed “unnecessary” for mere survival; however, if we raise the bar from survival to thriving, there’s no way to get around our need for friendship and community. In a post-Facebook world, the term “friend” is often used too flippantly—any passing acquaintance might be a friend! Over time, this semantic shift trivializes and diminishes the space in our lives meant for the actual, lasting, trusted, side-by-side companionship of a true friend. Today, in a world brimming with shallow relationships, the Church has an opportunity to participate in meaningful, mutual friendship as a testimony to the love of Jesus.
As I have sought to reclaim for myself a richer sense of the word “friend,” I’ve added several books on the topic to my library. I am increasingly passionate about inviting others into consideration of true friendship, and I hope that these books might spark a similar passion in you, both for your own thriving and for our witness to our greatest Friend, Jesus.
1. Made For Friendship: The Relationship That Halves Our Sorrows and Doubles Our Joys, by Drew Hunter
This was the first addition to my “On Friendship” reading list, and ever since I read it (five or six years ago) it has been one of my favorite books to recommend to others. Combining deep theology and helpfully practical advice, this is a fantastic book through which to dive into the goodness of friendship, as well as a great resource to return to every so often!
Favorite quote(s):
“Your unmet longings for friendship are not evidence of a deficiency; they are signs of your dignity. God made you for friendship.”
“In other words, friendship reveals who we truly are. You cannot know yourself—not truly—without close relationships. If you don’t have friends, much of who you are will remain hidden even to your own sight.”
“Friendship is the goal of salvation and the ultimate end of our existence.”
“Friendship is the goal of salvation and the ultimate end of our existence.”
2. No Greater Love, by Rebecca McLaughlin
In this recent release, McLaughlin outlines “a biblical vision of friendship” with special attention to the ecclesiological significance of friend-relationships. She combines exegetical teaching and compelling anecdotes to paint a pastoral picture of what friendship can and should be in the life of the church.
Favorite quote:
“But I now think that I can point to Jesus best by being honest with my friends about my sins and struggles. I’m not here to say I have it all together. I am here to say that I need Jesus every single day. I need His help provided in His Word and through His people. I need my brothers and my sisters to embrace me and assure me of His love on days when I feel like I’m utterly unlovable, and I need them to correct me on days when I’m justifying my own sin.”
3. Friendship: The Heart of Being Human, by Victor Lee Austin
I hesitate to call this a more “academic” resource, because it doesn’t feel like school reading by any stretch of the imagination, but this book strikes me as being more studious in nature than the previous two. This book considers the wisdom from historical Christian figures (as well as the inner workings of God the Trinity) to sketch out a description of this fundamental human relationship.
Favorite quote(s):
“The most important task of moral development is to grow in friendship.”
“Thus it seems to me that it is by virtue both of his divinity and of his humanity that Jesus makes himself our friend. By his humanity, he was able to die for his friends and thereby offer the love than which there is no greater. But the substance of his friendship with his disciples included his sharing with them everything he received from the Father—in other words, his sharing of that which he had by virtue of his divinity.”
“The most important task of moral development is to grow in friendship.”
4. Dorothy and Jack: The Transforming Friendship of Dorothy L. Sayers and C.S. Lewis, by Gina Dalfonzo
In addition to providing a fascinating glimpse into the lives of two renowned Christian writers, this book emphasizes the role their friendship played in their own intellectual and spiritual development.
Favorite quote:
“In some ways, though he may not have realized it, she had taught him aspects of friendship that even this man who was so rich in friends had not fully understood; by the end, for instance, she had shown him that friends did care something about each other’s personal affairs, after all.”
5. “Spiritual Friendship” — Aelred of Rievaulx[1]
Written by Cistercian monk Aelred (1110-1167), this dialogue covers the heights and depths of friendship among fellow believers, exalting a holistic friendship over something merely intellectual. The interactions with three “conversation partners” (Ivo, Walter, and Gratian) allow the author to explore different facets of friendship as part of the Christian life.
Favorite quote(s):
“I conclude, then, that those who delight in the name of friendship alone are cheated by its likeness, not sustained by the truth. But when so much sweetness is experienced in such empty friendship, which lust pollutes, avarice corrupts, or wantonness defiles, just imagine the sweetness to be experienced in this other friendship: the more righteous, chaste, and open it is, the more it is carefree, enjoyable, and happy.”
“Nothing in human life is hungered for with more holiness, nothing is sought with more utility, nothing is found with more difficulty, nothing is experienced with more pleasure, and nothing is possessed with more fruitfulness. Friendship bears fruit in our present life and in the next.”
“Friendship bears fruit in our present life and in the next.”
6. “On Friendship” – Marcus Tullius Cicero
This second dialogical work on my list was written in 44 B.C. by Marcus Cicero, a Roman statesman, scholar, and philosopher. In this short book, Cicero expounds upon the necessity of virtue for any true friendship. Although the author didn’t have explicitly Christian virtue in mind, it is easy to see how the ultimate ideals of his philosophy find their fulfillment in the person of Christ!
Favorite quote(s):
“Human nature, indeed, is so constituted as to be incapable of lonely satisfactions; man, like those plants which are formed to embrace others, is led by an instinctive impulse to recline on his species, and he finds his happiest and most secure support in the arms of a faithful friend.”
“It appears then that genuine friendship cannot possibly exist where one of the parties is unwilling to hear truth and the other is equally indisposed to speak it.”
“…Although friendship is certainly productive of utility, yet utility is not the primary motive of friendship.”
I hope some of these books might make your reading list, and that they would encourage you to pursue meaningful friendships to the glory of God!
[1] Recommending two books with the same title is my way to shoehorn in a seventh recommendation: Spiritual Friendship, by Wesley Hill!
For more from Nathan, see ndstorms.com.
