When is the right time to teach kid(s) about sex, sexuality, gender, and LGBTQ+ topics?
I wish it were as easy as offering a specific point in childhood development; unfortunately, it is not that simple. There is no particular age that applies to every child. Every youngster is different, which means that every child’s maturity level is unique. Also, the “right time” can depend on you and the values and culture you’ve instilled in your home. You are the expert on your own family and children. You must pray and seek advice to discern the right time for your child. Remember that this may even vary from child to child within your home. Just because you taught your oldest about sex at eight or nine does not mean your youngest will be ready at the same age. Be adaptable to meet your child’s specific needs.
As you are determining the right time for your child, here are four things to keep in mind:
1. Be the first
As much as possible, be the one to teach your children about sex, sexuality, and gender first before they are introduced to their peers’ misguided information on such important and delicate topics. Children who first learn about sex, sexuality, and gender from their peers or mainstream media can be extra vulnerable to distortions (lies we believe are true). Unfortunately, in our modern world, many children are introduced to sexual themes as early as kindergarten. Remember that as you implement wisdom, and choose the right time to begin these tender discussions with your child. But again, try to be the first.
2. It is not a talk but several compounding talks
Teaching your child about sex, sexuality, gender, and LGBTQ+ topics isn’t just a single conversation; it’s an ongoing dialogue that should evolve with your child’s development, beginning as early as infancy.
Start by instilling in them a sense of wonder and appreciation for every part of their body from the very beginning. As they grow and become capable of understanding, convey that while there is no shame in any aspect of our bodies (as God created each part without shame), certain parts deserve extra special care and protection.
Educate your children about the biological differences between male and female bodies as they mature. Highlight the profound symbolism inherent in the union of a husband and wife, allowing us to understand experientially a remnant of the intimacy God wants with his bride, the church. Help them appreciate how God created the marriage union as the miraculous avenue through which new life is conceived. As understanding deepens and your children begin to understand nuances, discuss the societal norms surrounding gender roles and behaviors, differentiating between cultural expectations and God’s expectations for men and women.
Throughout their development, it is vital that you consistently emphasize the importance of treating everyone with kindness, dignity, and respect, as God’s beloved creation deserves, regardless of their differences. Encourage your children to interact with and love those who may live differently than they do in a way that honors our Creator.
“As understanding deepens and your children begin to understand nuances, discuss the societal norms surrounding gender roles and behaviors, differentiating between cultural expectations and God’s expectations for men and women.”
3. Teach them to discern God’s design from cultural gender expectations
In a world where gender roles have historically been rigid—and often harmful—and where the pendulum has now swung too far in attempting to erase gender distinctions altogether, it is essential to teach our children the balanced truth found in Scripture. Having open discussions about the differences between societal norms and God’s expectations for men and women is crucial. By grounding our children in biblical truth, we can help them navigate the complexities of gender with clarity, compassion, and conviction.
Society often imposes stereotypes, such as the belief that men should never cry or that women should always be sensitive. These stereotypes can be both harmful and limiting, failing to reflect the diverse ways in which God has created us. For example, consider how Jesus, the perfect example of masculinity, displayed both strength and deep compassion. He wept openly at the death of Lazarus, showing that true masculinity isn’t about suppressing emotions but about being fully human and deeply connected to others. Similarly, the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31 is strong and capable, and engages in activities both inside and outside the home, demonstrating that femininity is not confined to traditional domestic roles.
These rigid gender stereotypes can be particularly damaging for children, leading to shame and confusion. I personally grew up with a lot of confusion and shame from comments like, “eat like a lady” or “be more ladylike.” As a child, I had a growing sense of dread about my personality and character traits that were often labeled as stereotypically masculine.
“These rigid gender stereotypes can be particularly damaging for children, leading to shame and confusion.”
If, instead, I had been told, “Wow, Ellen! You are so passionate and indignant, just like Jesus was when he flipped over the tables in the temple,” or, “You are so direct, just like when Jesus called the Pharisees white-washed tombs (maybe we can incorporate more of Jesus’ gentleness next time), but I see you being an image-bearer to Christ in your passion, zeal, and desire for justice!” I might not have seen these traits as shameful or inappropriate for a woman. Rather than viewing these qualities as inherently masculine and therefore inappropriate for me, I could have understood them as reflections of my Creator’s image, recognizing the need to balance them with other traits that reflect God’s character, rather than comparing them to societal expectations of femininity.
Instead of comparing our children to societal standards of men or women, we must aim higher and compare their traits to God. We should highlight their true identity by attributing their character and personality aspects to their Creator. Encourage your children to find their identity in who God says they are, rather than in the often-arbitrary roles that culture imposes. For example, if your son enjoys cooking or your daughter prefers sports, celebrate these interests as part of the unique way God made them, rather than seeing them as deviations from a societal norm.
It’s also important to teach that while society’s standards may shift, God’s truth remains constant. He values the heart and character of a person over their adherence to cultural gender roles. Help your children understand that being a man or woman of God means living out the character of Christ in whatever gifts, talents, and interests they have, without feeling pressured to fit into a specific mold.
“While society’s standards may shift, God’s truth remains constant.”
Finally, remind them that embracing who God created them to be is a process of growth and discovery, one that doesn’t have to align with societal expectations but should always align with God’s love and truth. This perspective will not only help them navigate the world’s expectations but will also empower them to live authentically as the individuals God designed them to be.
4. Build in time for intentional connection and instruction
I encourage parents to incorporate weekly sessions of what I call “intentional connection.” Others might call these “family devotionals” or “family meetings.” Regardless of the terminology, these family gatherings aren’t merely for teaching our kids about God, although that’s crucial. They’re golden opportunities for parents to share wisdom and guidance on all sorts of stuff, like the expectations we have for them in our homes, the social norms of our culture, the dangers they may face in our world, and how to navigate those dangers, etc. If families have time built into their family routine, along the way they will have the space and safety to talk about tender topics such as sex, sexuality, gender, and LGBTQ+ topics.
5. It’s not too late
If you’re reading this and regretting that you didn’t follow these suggestions when your children were young, there’s good news: it’s not too late. I’m not suggesting you suddenly bring out a children’s board book to discuss the birds and the bees with your twenty-two-year-old. What I mean is that it’s never too late to apologize.
None of us are perfect parents; we never have been and never will be. It’s entirely okay for us, even years down the line, to acknowledge when we’ve fallen short or when hindsight reveals better choices we could have made. Through my experiences as a therapist, one thing is obvious: What truly matters isn’t that our loved ones execute everything flawlessly but that they make genuine efforts to mend connections when they (inevitably) falter, regardless of how much time has passed.
Excerpted from Guy Hammond, Following Jesus in an LGBTQ+ World.
