Editor’s Note: For Part 1 in this series on the Bible and modesty (“Where Modesty Starts”), click here. For Part 2 (“It’s About More Than Personal Choices”), click here.
I listened to someone give a talk on modesty recently, and one of their main points in favor of dressing modestly (again, directed towards women) was that “Men are more visual than women, and when your midriff shows in your workout clothes or you wear a bikini, it turns off a man’s ability to view you as a person rather than an object. Even godly guys have to avert their eyes because in their mind they are thinking ‘I do not want to look at her or I will imagine having sex with her.’”
Ouch.
Now hear me out. I am not one to purport that men and women are the same in every regard. I believe that God made us not only with gender distinctions, but also with certain traits to both genders that are true for large swaths of each sex (i.e., that men typically have more muscle mass than women, or that women are typically more empathetic than men, etc.). I welcome and celebrate the distinctions of men and women, knowing that they are equally created in the image of God and of equal value and worth.
However, I think that sometimes, especially when it comes to the conversation of modesty in regards to clothing/bodies/sexual appeal, the two sexes get overly polarized in a way that isn’t true to Scripture or science. Particularly in the rhetoric, as mentioned above, that there is something about men that is irredeemable by Christ (their visual nature, and apparent lack of ability to view a woman in a swimsuit as a person rather than a sex object), and something about women that causes it to be so (the particular way she clothes herself and what kind of body she has).
“Sometimes, especially when it comes to the conversation of modesty in regards to clothing/bodies/sexual appeal, the two sexes get overly polarized in a way that isn’t true to Scripture or science.”
A recent study found that 90-99% of men and between 49-60% of women in the United States had consumed pornography within the last month—particularly young adults. Again, I’m not denying that it is a clear and particularly prevalent issue among men. But if half of the young adult women in the US have viewed porn recently, I think we can draw the reasonable conclusion that a huge swath of them are also visually stimulated. And it is crucial that we include this in the conversation here.
In an article by writer Meggie Cotonethal, she says “Clearly, modesty is not just a woman’s issue, and the Enemy of our souls would delight to see us reduce it to such. Consider how he’s expertly used our largely male-focused exhortations on lust to convince many women to fearfully hide their sin from the exposing light of confession, or to delude them into thinking their hungry, wandering eyes can’t lust simply because they aren’t men.”
Ah, yes. A good reminder that each and every one of us, regardless of gender, need a call to modesty—and a call to responsibility—that is true to God’s Word. Also a good reminder that swimming trunks and yoga pants are not the enemy…Satan is.
“Each and every one of us, regardless of gender, need a call to modesty—and a call to responsibility—that is true to God’s Word.”
The fact is that men and women are both susceptible to sin’s corruption by visual, sexual means…and that both are capable (and called) to accept the transformation and redemption that Christ offers, allowing us to view our fellow brothers and sisters as beloved people created in the Imago Dei.
When we encourage men and women to dress (and live) modestly, it must not be done so through the faulty argument of protecting the corruption in another person’s heart. Especially in the context of how we clothe our bodies, that message devalues and places blame on the person being lusted after rather than the one who Jesus places the responsibility squarely on the one doing the lusting. Our reason for dressing (and living) modestly is not so that other people are off the hook for dealing with their sin.
I don’t mow my yard to keep my neighbor from looking disdainfully at me. I mow my yard because it’s my responsibility to do so. I want to have a good relationship with my neighbor, and should absolutely work hard to do so, but it’s ultimately not up to me whether or not they look at me with admiration or disgust.
This is not in contrast with the previous article—we do have to consider how our choices about modesty affect our context and community. It IS our responsibility to build each other up, to consider others as better than ourselves, and to not lay down the good of our community on the altar of our personal choice. We must act in wisdom, selflessness, humility, and common sense.
But when you stand before the throne of God, you will be called to account for your sins– not somebody else’s. We are responsible for our behavior and attitude, regardless of what others do.
“We are responsible for our behavior and attitude, regardless of what others do.”
Just as you can’t control if someone covets your car or house or yard, neither can you control if someone lusts after your body (no matter what you wear). In my 27 years of life, I already need more than a few handfuls to count how many times I can remember being catcalled and hit on by strangers. It has happened while wearing dresses or yesterday’s baggy sweats. It has happened at nighttime and in the middle of broad daylight. It has happened when I’m alone and when I’m holding hands with my husband. It has happened at gas stations, grocery stores, shopping malls, swimming pools, parking lots of all varieties, and even the tampon aisle at Walmart (the one place in that store that’s supposed to be a safe haven for women, am I right?). It started happening before I was out of middle school and happened again a few weeks ago. It has even happened from both men and women, of various demographics in terms of age, lifestyle, and race.
I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience in this realm. But in those moments, it’s obvious that someone is looking at you lustfully or with sexual intent. It always leaves me feeling grimy and gross, and usually prompts me to rush back to the hidden safety of my home as quickly as possible and analyze everything I might have done to “egg it on,” or if I was careless with the way I presented myself. I’ve altered the way I dress through the years, in large part because of this, always trying to be mindful of the risk factors when I’m out in public. But do you know what? The way I dress hasn’t actually changed the frequency or predicted the context in which it continues to occur.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not responsible for the way I dress. But it does mean that I’m not responsible for someone else’s sin.
“Even in our best efforts to exhibit modesty, it doesn’t make us immune to (or responsible for) other people’s lust.”
Even in our best efforts to exhibit modesty, it doesn’t make us immune to (or responsible for) other people’s lust. Unfortunately, part of the downfall of living in the world means that even though it’s not our fault that creeps exist . . . they do. And it does have to inform the way we present ourselves. Most people can agree that there are certain societal standards and general wisdom when it comes to dress—that’s why many workplaces have a dress code, why there are laws against streaking, why I don’t think it’s a good idea for 15-year-olds to post pictures in their underwear, and why I don’t show up to Kroger wearing a neon sequined leotard.
But the answer to the corruption in the hearts of people—others and our own—is not layering on more clothes. It’s taking our sin seriously, and submitting it to the Lordship and redemption of Christ. This goes for every man and every woman whose sin has come in the form of lusting after another person, or purposefully dressing immodestly to gain unholy attraction, or judging someone based on what they wear (‘cause I’ve seen enough church folks give some sideways looks to know what’s going on in their head). I’d guess that all of us have fallen in there somewhere. I’ve been guilty of all three. Which means that both you and I have got some repenting to do.
