Raising children carries an unavoidable companion: guilt. If you haven’t felt it yet, you will.
I remember the first time I disciplined my daughter. She was five years old and, influenced by a neighbor, told me a lie—laughing as she did it. I swatted her bottom twice, corrected her firmly, and told her never to lie to me again. She stared at me as though I were Mr. Hyde, burst into tears, and refused to speak to me for a day. But it worked. I never even once had to discipline her again.
But now 25 years later it haunts me, in spite of the fact that I know it was the right thing to do.
Now imagine the weight of guilt when parenting doesn’t seem to work at all. When children grow up and rebel. When they choose self-destructive paths. Or worse—when they walk away from Christ. The guilt can be overwhelming.
I’ve tasted that too. When my son was a younger teenager, he lost his faith entirely. He was respectful, even gentle, when he told me he no longer believed in God. At the time, I was the senior minister of a large church. I believed I had been a faithful parent. And yet I was flooded with guilt. What had I done wrong? I replayed every decision, reexamined every moment, and felt regret over countless things—some real, some imagined.
In both cases, and all through my children’s growing up years, Proverbs 22:6 was playing in the background of my head: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6, ESV).
“Raising children carries an unavoidable companion: guilt.”
Now I love the scriptures, even above my own life. But I must confess that this proverb did not feel reassuring to me during the child-raising years. Instead, it felt like a threat. Or worse, it felt like verdict: if anything goes wrong with my children, all the way up to their deaths, it’s my fault.
Is that what this text teaches? Am I responsible for everything my child does? If my adult (or teen) children leave Christ, is it my fault?
Parents are disciple makers
Let’s start with an undeniable truth (although this isn’t the only truth that will matter in answering this question): Parents are the first—and most crucial—disciple makers in their children’s lives. We are the ones who lay the foundation for their spiritual growth, who guide them in righteous living, and who model Christ for them every day. Nothing we do as parents is more important than raising our children to know and love Jesus. As James Dobson wisely said, “The greatest gift a parent can give a child is a living faith in God.”
This is not optional. We parents are uniquely equipped—and uniquely responsible—to train our children in a vibrant, faithful relationship with Christ. No one else can do it for us, and no one else bears the same accountability for their spiritual formation.
And when parents neglect this responsibility, the consequences are real. The apostle Paul asks, “How are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard?” (Romans 10:14, ESV). If we fail to involve our children in the life of the church, fail to model Jesus in word and action, or fail to engage them in meaningful conversations about God and his Word, we are leaving them spiritually exposed. Children who start life without these foundations face challenges that could have been prevented.
We cannot overstate the power in a child’s life of a parent’s faith lived out daily. Our example, our teaching, our conversations, and our encouragement shape more than behavior—they shape hearts, minds, and eternal destinies. Discipling our children is not just a duty; it is the highest act of love we can offer.
“Discipling our children is not just a duty; it is the highest act of love we can offer.”
I can say without a doubt that if we do not prioritize raising children to love Jesus, the scriptures, and the church, we certainly bear at least some of the responsibility for their eternity.
No perfect parents
Nonetheless, parents are not perfect. We do not always know the right thing to do, and sometimes we must make difficult decisions without any guarantee of the outcome. Each child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. For parents of children with special needs, the challenge can feel even greater. Often, we are called to rely on the limited wisdom we have at our age, seeking God’s guidance as we navigate each moment.
We must also remember that we ourselves are imperfect. We sin, we fail, and sometimes our own shortcomings interfere with even our best intentions. We cannot raise perfect children, and trying to do so only sets us—and our children—up for frustration.
This means we cannot—and should not—expect perfection in our parenting. Holding ourselves to such a standard can lead to harshness, rigidity, or burnout. Parents need space to enjoy their calling, to relax, and to laugh—with their children and with each other. Perfectionism can create tension that drives children away rather than drawing them closer to faith.
So whatever else we say about parenting, it must be tempered with grace: we are not perfect parents. Nobody is a perfect parent. And thankfully, God’s work in our children’s lives is not dependent on our perfection even as it utilizes our faithfulness, our love, and His mercy working through us.
“Thankfully, God’s work in our children’s lives is not dependent on our perfection even as it utilizes our faithfulness, our love, and His mercy working through us.”
The reality of free will
Moreover, we humans are endowed with the profound gift of free will—the ability to make moral, ethical, and spiritual choices. This ability is the very essence of what it means to be human. We possess it. And so do our children.
As our children grow and gain independence, their free will expands. And with the expansion of their free will, our control over them diminishes. When they are young, they are easily guided in matters of faith. But as they mature, they begin to form their own beliefs, testing and questioning what they have been taught. Some will embrace the spirituality of their parents wholeheartedly. Others will challenge it, pushing back against the beliefs of their parents.
Further, outside influences and life’s trials quickly begin to test their hearts. Our children’s circle of friends is a major determinant in their lives. We parents can control their social environment to some degree, but we cannot totally prevent them from hanging around bad influences. And as they grow, pain, doubt, and temptation can press in, and sometimes our children make choices that break our hearts. This, too, is human—even though it may lead a grown child to drift away from Christ.
Free will is a gift from God. It gives each of us the right to choose our path: to love or turn away, to marry or remain single, to build a life guided by faith or by doubt. It gives us the freedom to follow Jesus, if we so choose. Freedom, given by God, is sacred and good. It is a blessing to cherish, a power to wield responsibly, and a gift to honor in both ourselves and our children.
“Outside influences and life’s trials quickly begin to test their hearts.”
But this freedom means that even when we raise our children to love Christ, they may of their own volition choose to leave him.
So, though the odds are much better that you’ll have believing children if you prioritize their faith, it is still true that good Christian parents can have unbelieving adult children.
What is a proverb?
So if even faithful parents can have children who leave their faith, what are we to make of Proverbs 22:6 (“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it”)?
The short answer is this: proverbs in the scriptures are not rules or promises—they are observations. The wisdom literature of the Old Testament is exactly what it purports to be: wisdom. The proverbs of Solomon purport to be observations of a wise believer who is summarizing what he’s seen in life. And again, that’s what they are: observations. They are, Solomon says, “proverbs, parables, sayings, and riddles” (Proverbs 1:6). It is a mistake to read Proverbs 22:6 as a rule, or a promise, or a threat. It is an observation: one that is typically true, but not always.
This understanding of Proverbs 22:6 as only typically true is confirmed by a simple observation of other proverbs. For example, Proverbs 11:15 advises that making loans to strangers invites abuse. This is true, but it is not a rule, or a promise, or a law. It is only an observation. How do we know this? Well, Jesus commands us to care for the stranger (Matthew 25:35)!
“Proverbs in the scriptures are not rules or promises—they are observations.”
Or consider Proverbs 31:6-7. This proverb seems to suggest that we should give alcohol to those who are in anguish: “Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more” (Proverbs 31:6-7, NIV). Is this proverb a rule? Is this a law? Is this a promise? Not at all. Rather, by reading the proceeding verses, which teach the ruler not to indulge in alcohol, we can see that these verses constitute irony. Proverbs 31:1-7 teach that the noble life is marked by sobriety, not by alcohol, which typifies those in distress. This is not a law. It is not a promise. It is more of an observation, a parable, or a riddle.
And look at Proverbs 26:4-5. In Proverbs 26:4, Solomon says that one should not answer a fool according to his foolishness, lest you be just like the fool. But in the very next verse, the same Solomon says exactly the opposite: “Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes” (Proverbs 26:4, NIV). So which is it? Is this a contradiction? No. Solomon is only making two observations. The first is that you should be cautious not to engage a foolish person. The second is that you should not allow a foolish person to believe they are wise. Both are only observations, or riddles, or sayings. But if we were to treat them as rules or promises or threats, we’d be in the strange place of suggesting that the Bible forbids what it immediately thereafter commands.
“This is not a law. It is not a promise. It is more of an observation, a parable, or a riddle.”
There are many other proverbs that, when observed, demonstrate that proverbs are observations, not promises. My point in all this is not to diminish the Proverbs. Proverbs are important, they are wise, and they are inspired. My point is only to remind us that they are proverbs, that is, wise sayings. Proverbs are not laws, promises, or rules. They are guides. This includes Proverbs 22:6. Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise. It is not a rule. It is not a law. It is an observation, and it is a true observation. We might say it like this: For children to grow up with faith in Christ, parents should first prioritize faith in Christ.
The greatest Father of all
How else do I know that Proverbs 22:6 is not a law or a promise, but an observation?
Because God the Father is the greatest father of all. He has provided humanity with life. He has given us blessings beyond measure. He has sustained us, cared for us, nurtured us, and offered us hope.
And yet we, his children—for all of us are his offspring (Acts 17:28)—have rebelled against him. All of us have sinned, and none of us is good. As the apostle Paul says, quoting from various Old Testament texts, “All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one” (Romans 3:12, NIV).
Yes, the best dad in the world, God the Father, has endured, less Jesus, the rebellion of all his children, me included. Not because he is a bad father—God forbid! But because all of his children chose themselves over him. We have all broken the heart of our Father.
This is a sobering thought, and one that should make us fight for our children even harder. Our children are rebellious like we are. And so we must make it our highest aim to raise them to embrace the blood of Jesus, so they, too, might experience forgiveness, mercy, and reconciliation to the Father of all. Because all of our hearts are, as the old hymn says, prone to wander,[1] we parents must make our children our first and our primary ministry. They are the most sacred trust God gives us. Our Father prioritized our salvation. We should prioritize the salvation of our children.
“Our Father prioritized our salvation. We should prioritize the salvation of our children.”
Train up a child in the way he should go
So back to our original question: Is it my fault my adult child does not believe? No. “Everyone will die for their own sin,” Jeremiah declares (31:30, NIV). Each of us is responsible for his own choices, including our adult children. But if you do not raise up a child in the way that they should go, you will have to answer for your unfaithfulness, perhaps in the grief of seeing your children outside the blood of Christ. So even though Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise, it is a mandate: “Raise up a child in the way that he should go.”
To be a faithful parent, make the faith of your children your number one priority, even if they are adults. Teach them about Jesus, about the church, and about the Bible. Offer discipline when they are young, but use it wisely. Connect them to other Christian families. Love the local church. Protect them from pagan influences.
And do all this in a loving, joyful relationship. Celebrate life in Christ together a lot. Encourage, laugh, have a warm relationship with them. Pray fervently that God will guide you and them. And never give up, even when they are adults. After all, your Father never gave up on you. He was willing to pursue you to the ends of the earth. And he has given you this promise: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5, NIV).
“Do all this in a loving, joyful relationship.”
Today, my son is a youth minister for a church in Eugene, Oregon. A couple of men at my church spent a lot of time discipling him as an older teenager, and in his early twenties my son came back to Jesus, baptizing several of his friends and marrying a women’s minister at the local university. My son—who once lost God—is now a minister of God in the church. And he is more spiritual than I’ve ever been.
God doesn’t give up on us, his children. And you should never give up on your children, either. Remember that God is always pursuing us. And if your adult children have left their faith, God is still pursuing them, too.
But long before they are adults, you should be raising your children in a joyful, loving home that is centered around Jesus. This is the best thing you’ll ever do.
As the wise man says, raise up your children in the way that they should go.
[1] “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart; O take and seal it;
seal it for thy courts above.”
Taken from Robert Robinson’s Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
