Dear young disciple,
You have come so far in your journey with Christ, and I am proud of you. I know it doesn’t feel like you’ve developed and grown much, but even the decisive step to join Jesus in this journey of life is a monumental step of growth and something worth celebrating. Yet, you don’t feel like celebrating sometimes, do you? Sometimes it feels like there isn’t much to celebrate, right?
I get it, this life with Jesus can be difficult with learning to constantly honor the commitment to Him, feeling different from others around you, and feeling like there’s a weight of expectation on your shoulders. It’s often easier to dwell on what life used to be like, where things felt more in your control and felt more “normal.”
It’s like as a young adult dwelling on life as a kid without the responsibilities and with the freedoms that it gave. The responsibilities of a new life, or new stage of life, can always feel daunting and weighty, especially when we feel like we’re going through it alone. There are genuine changes within every development, and whenever there is growth and change, there is also loss.
Loss doesn’t have to be the giant in the room, where we lose a loved one or a part of our health. Loss is any time something is let go of, detached from, or not achieved; that could be a dream, a hobby, a friend, an identity, a favorite restaurant, or something else. With loss, what naturally should follow is a time of grieving to address the thing that we lost before we come to accept what is new.
“With loss, what naturally should follow is a time of grieving to address the thing that we lost before we come to accept what is new.”
But how often do we choose to celebrate the growth and newness while neglecting to grieve the loss and what was? Those losses are very real. Those old experiences counted for something, and until we identify them for what they are and address them, stable and real growth is hard to come by. The longer this grief is left unaddressed, the greater the possibility that our very foundation of who we are and what we build our life upon begins to crack and shake. All this from not honestly grieving the loss of what was.
Have you ever been told your loss isn’t big enough to grieve over, or your pain isn’t worth crying over? Perhaps you were told to suck it up and move on, or to grow up and harden up because the world isn’t a kind place. Maybe someone tried putting a positive spin on it in saying that you should simply be grateful for what you have. If so, I’m sorry; that isn’t fair on you.
Let me affirm your pain and loss. Yes, we can be grateful for what we have, and that can often be a healer to our present, but that doesn’t negate the pain and loss of what we once had. When we rush into the newness and the gratitude of what is present, we do an injustice to the experiences of what was, to the people and places, emotions and times shared. Oftentimes, when people rush us past our pain and grief, it is because they themselves have had their own pain rejected and their permission to grieve removed.
“Oftentimes, when people rush us past our pain and grief, it is because they themselves have had their own pain rejected and their permission to grieve removed.”
Pain is something only you can experience and measure, no one else. Loss can only be identified by the person who once had something. Yes, we can share our pain with others, and that is something we’re encouraged to do in the Bible, to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). But let that sharing be with someone who wants to understand, who encourages you to grieve what was lost and to address the pain that still sits in your heart and eats at your soul. Be encouraged to wait in the emptiness of grief; don’t run on ahead and try to cover it up or look past it.
There is so much growth and healing that takes place when we allow ourselves to grieve. That doesn’t mean life just stops around us or within, but we recognize the pause that this has put on our life, and we slow down to fit the pace we can manage, inviting others to journey with us at that pace.
Have you ever taken time to recognize what you’ve lost by committing your life to Jesus? That might seem like a silly question, because we are all told we gain so much by being with Jesus. And that isn’t wrong by any means; don’t think I’m downgrading your relationship with God or your salvation. But we also lose things when we say “yes” to God’s invitation. What have you lost since being with Jesus? Have you made a list of those things you’ve said “no” to since being with Jesus?
“Have you made a list of those things you’ve said “no” to since being with Jesus?”
Please hear me out—I’m not saying the commitment to Jesus isn’t worth it; that would be going too far. But it is important to recognize the challenges in choosing this life and the things we have forfeited for it. If left ungrieved, we continue to carry around the pain of loss left unnoticed, and it may well tether you to a portion of your old self unwittingly. If you don’t give yourself permission to grieve what was lost, it is difficult to truly celebrate what you have gained.
Does this hit home for you at all? It’s okay, and it’s going to be okay. It took me ten years to realize this and accept it. I lost a dream for my life when I chose to go all in with Jesus, and that pain and loss ate at me. It tainted how I saw God and it refused me the opportunity to truly let go of it or that version of myself. After recognizing it for what it was and giving myself permission to grieve over the loss of that dream, there was a newness that came over me, mixed with some pretty challenging realities. But that newness was the reality of what God had been trying to give me the whole time. Yet because I hadn’t grieved the loss, I couldn’t fully accept it.
Now, the memory of that dream still returns from time to time, and it is fun to dwell in that dream for a short-lived second. But the freedom comes in the fact that that memory no longer digs up the pain. Rather, it brings an appreciation for what I once loved, and a greater appreciation for what I now have.
“It brings an appreciation for what I once loved, and a greater appreciation for what I now have.”
So, take a moment. Take a breath and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what it is you’ve lost for Him. It’s okay, He won’t be hurt or offended. What hurts Him more is seeing you holding onto this pain ungrieved.
As the Spirit brings things to mind, make a list and stay with them for a while. What did you lose? Was it a friend, a dream, a home or stability, a hobby or dependency, a perceived safe place? It’s okay, you can sit there with this. You may experience an array of emotions as you give yourself permission to grieve these losses—sadness, loneliness, depression, anger, rage, regret, disappointment, fear. These emotions are scary, but it’s okay to sit there in the emotion and feel them. Be present to them, knowing that God is present there with you in the emotion, the pain, the loss. Talk to God about what you’re experiencing, and be real with Him. It’s okay, He can take it. He just desires you to be present to His presence.
This could be a bumpy road for you as you give yourself permission to grieve, but it will produce a newness in you that you’ve been craving. It will untether you from that pain and loss, and you will have more space to accept more of God within you. As you journey through this, hold onto a scripture that brings you back to the truth of God’s nature, to your nature, and to the present reality.
“Talk to God about what you’re experiencing, and be real with Him. It’s okay, He can take it.”
Mine was Lamentations 3:21-26 (HCSB):
“Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! I say: The Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for deliverance from the Lord.”
What will your Scripture be? This is part of the journey to pursuing more of God and more of yourself, to desire more wholeness and love. That is my hope for you, to become more whole in Christ and to have more room to accept more of His love for you. I am praying for you in your journey. Young disciple, carry on and give yourself permission to grieve.
In Christ,
your fellow disciple
