Isn’t it just wonderful when a church behaves like a family?
Depends. Are we talking family like the family portrait mounted above the fireplace—matching outfits, practiced smiles, hair in place? Or are we talking family? As in, the people who fill us with equal parts appreciation and exasperation? You know, those people we feel most ourselves around—our entitled, irritable selves. The ones we let down our hair around. And often just plain let down.
At the end of the day, though, they are family, which counts for a ton. It’s what we’re born into, married into, buried by. The same goes for a home church. Born again in its baptistry. Your wedding happens here. Your funeral too.
I suppose it’s good when a church behaves like a family since that’s what it is. But it’s not good when families get lazy toward each other. Knowing they are legally bound to you, your logic can become calculated and cold: I don’t have to act loving to them because they have to keep loving me anyway.
And do you know where church people often get chronically lazy with their brothers and sisters? Let’s do a single-question, multiple-choice quiz. Here goes: Church people are most likely to get lazy toward other people in their church when it comes to:
- Essential “First Bucket” Elements – We believe these in order to be saved. For example, that there is a God, Jesus is risen, we are saved by grace through faith in Jesus.
- Important “Second Bucket” Elements – We pursue these in order to follow Jesus faithfully. For example, what Scripture teaches about church leadership and spiritual gifts.
- Personal “Third Bucket” Elements – These are matters of opinion in which God gives us freedom or there isn’t definitive biblical guidance one way or the other.
“It’s not good when families get lazy toward each other.”
Anybody say A or B? You may be right—especially if your church is one of those progressive churches that holds onto its convictions as tightly as an open palm shooing a firefly off into the night sky. But a lot of churches are good-to-go on the essential elements, and they’re also basically agreed on the important elements, since it’s the important elements that set a particular type of church apart from another. Lots of churches are unified on their official—essential and important—beliefs. 
I want to make the case for C. In the many churches which are solid on the essentials and officially agreed on the important elements, I think it’s easy as a second slice of pie to get lazy when it comes to the personal, “third bucket” elements.
I hear your pushback. But isn’t that kind of the point of personal elements? We shouldn’t really care about them—they’re just matters of opinion. Right? Isn’t that precisely what God lets us be lazy about?
“It’s easy as a second slice of pie to get lazy when it comes to the personal, ‘third bucket’ elements.”
Great questions—except that we do care about them. A lot. Jesus’ resurrection? Sure, we believe in that. But what we really want to discuss with the pastor after church is whether current events in the Middle East are fulfilling the book of Revelation. Or how the youth ministry could better serve the students. Or how faith should form how we vote in the upcoming election. Or about public school, private school, or homeschool. Or whether it’s okay that the worship ministry is trending more Pentecostal. Or what does our faith tell us about AI and the future?
Now, let’s be clear: those are great questions too. But they’re not what we at RENEW.org call “essential” or even “important.” And they, rather than the virgin birth or the nature of God, are what occupy the bulk of church people’s attention when it comes to faith. Center of the bullseye? Not even close. Yet they’re the center of most people’s attention.
The danger isn’t that we’re treating these personal elements lazily—but that we’re treating each other lazily when it comes to these personal elements. True, these fellow believers are family members when it comes to what’s essential and important, which is why we consent week to week to being in the same church together. But when it comes to personal elements, we can treat these family members with a laziness shockingly mismatched to the intensity with which we hold the views:
- I will unfriend anyone who votes for ___ [insert politician or policy].
- Anyone who believes in ___ is an idiot [insert interpretation of Genesis, Revelation, etc.].
- Whoever practices ___ is disobeying God [insert parenting method, worship style, optional lifestyle choice, etc.].
“We’re treating each other lazily when it comes to these personal elements.”
I’ve heard it said that “unity doesn’t mean uniformity.” Pursuing oneness with each other doesn’t mean pressuring each other to agree on all the same things. Coming from different backgrounds, formed by different experiences, we’re going to frustrate each other. But that’s where unity steps in, not where it gets off. Yes, there needs to be agreement on the majors (note the list of “one’s” in the passage below); that consensus is foundational to forming a church in the first place. But it’s that basic agreement that fuels our unity for the rest of the time we’re impatient with each other and feel like dumping them as if they were a heavy load. Notice the characters unity keeps company with:
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” (Ephesians 4:2-6, NIV)
If unity means humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with each other, and peace, then unity is precisely what’s needed for matters of personal opinion. You know that church member who cancels out your vote with his opposite vote? Ask God to give you a heart for unity. That person with a less plausible biblical interpretation than your studied interpretation? Pray for a spirit of wisdom for him, but pray even harder for a spirit of unity for you. That person whose choices bother you even if they don’t disobey God? Unity.
“If unity means humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with each other, and peace, then unity is precisely what’s needed for matters of personal opinion.”
Just because we’re officially family with agreed-on official beliefs doesn’t mean we’re making effort toward each other when it comes to what’s not official. Don’t let yourself get lazy when it comes to matters of personal opinion. Those in-house issues are where faith is lived.
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Building Mutual Respect Through In-House “Debates”
Because personal elements take care, we’ve been dedicating the current season of the Scripture in Black & White podcast to conversations on matters of personal opinion. We’ve had conversations on . . .
- Is “Christian nationalism” is a legitimate threat or a boogeyman? – David Young VS Paul Huyghebaert
- Does modern Israel play a prophetic role in God’s plan? – Bobby Harrington VS John Whittaker
- Is multisite a healthy option for growing churches? – Jason Ishmael VS Brett Kays
- Does the Bible clearly teach a young earth? – Jeff Randleman VS Ben Stroup
Our hope for these conversations is that, rather than ceding these areas to algorithms of alarmism or unkind caricatures, they help build relationships of mutual respect. Here is the first one:
