I recently preached through the story of David and Bathsheba from 2 Samuel 11:1-27 on a Sunday morning. There are several important learnings from within this story, as well as from the related research on sexual immorality and affairs, that are worth applying in our churches today.
Many of us can be intimidated when it comes to addressing sexual immorality in general and affairs in particular because no preacher wants to come off as a prude, a legalist, etc. At the same time, because of concerns about how we might come across, we are often not addressing sexual sins the way church leaders did in the past—and we are also witnessing increasing numbers of people in our churches struggle and fall into sexual sin, especially adulterous affairs. I’ll let you connect the dots.
So, I thought I would write a post to help all of us to remember the countercultural ways of God when it comes to sexual sin.
I will first summarize the story of David and Bathsheba and then share important applications I believe need to be spoken more clearly in our churches today.
A Summary of the Story
King David, during the spring when kings usually go to war, stays in Jerusalem while his army fights the Ammonites. One evening, from his palace rooftop, David sees a beautiful woman, Bathsheba, bathing. He inquires about her and learns she is the wife of Uriah, a loyal soldier and one of his “mighty warriors” (1 Chronicles 11).
Despite this, David summons Bathsheba to the palace, and they sleep together, resulting in her pregnancy. To cover up the affair, David recalls Uriah from the battlefield, hoping he will sleep with his wife and think the child is his. However, Uriah, out of solidarity with his fellow soldiers, refuses to go home and instead sleeps at the palace entrance.
David then orchestrates Uriah’s death by sending him back to the battlefield with orders for him to be placed in the most dangerous position. Uriah is killed in battle, and after Bathsheba mourns, David marries her, and she gives birth to their son. This series of actions displeases the Lord, setting the stage for future consequences in David’s life.
Here are some important applications and insights for our churches today.
David and Bathsheba: “Uriah is killed in battle, and after Bathsheba mourns, David marries her, and she gives birth to their son.”
First, sometimes godly people have affairs.
Notice that I did not say merely that godly people can have affairs. David is an example, and I have seen many of them over the years, of a godly person who had an affair. Being a disciple of Jesus does not take away our attraction to the beautiful bodies or personalities of people who are not our spouses. We are still red-blooded people with a deceptive sin-nature. In Acts 13:22 (NIV), we read how God said, “I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.” And yet, David was also the man who fell into sexual temptation, having an affair, and then trying to cover it up through deception and murder.
We should grieve when godly leaders fall to sexual immorality, but it should only confirm the biblical truth of the seductive power of sin, even for godly people.
Second, anyone, including you, could have an affair.
Yes, you, whoever you are as a reader, could end up in an affair. People naturally get attracted to other people. Married people can easily develop emotional attachments at work, in the community, and—note this—even at church. If you are a person who thinks, “It could never happen to me,” then you might be one of the most susceptible to fall into this sin. As 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 (NIV) puts it, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.”
“If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.”
Third, everyone needs to put up clear, high fences to avoid sexual immorality.
Kimberly Holmes is a godly woman who leads marriagehelper.com, a ministry that has helped save countless marriages for over twenty years. When I asked her for advice about helping people avoid affairs, she suggested that we need a more realistic view of how important it is to establish clear, high fences to protect our marriage. She pointed out that research shows that 30-50% of marriages will experience an extra-marital affair.
That high number, and the danger it represents, is much more significant than the average person realizes. What makes this point doubly sad is that affairs are involved in 70% of divorces. We must do more to protect our marriages.
Fourth, get specific as you put up your clear, high fences.
In recent years, people have made fun of the old “Billy Graham Rule,” also known as the “Modesto Manifesto.” It was a code of conduct for male evangelical leaders that prohibited them from spending time alone with women they were not married to. This meant they would avoid one-on-one lunch meetings, counseling, etc., if it meant being alone with another woman.
I understand that, in our modern workplaces and other environments, people might not be able to follow this rule as exactly as Billy Graham did and many church leaders committed to after him. I also understand how it could unintentionally be used as a “ceiling,” for example, keeping women from advancement when the top leaders are men, and vice versa. Or it could even be wielded in a tactless way that makes the other sex feel like they are unintentional tempters or temptresses. If you make it a rule for yourself to avoid exclusive one-on-one time with someone of the opposite sex, you’ll need to make sure you’re not burning bridges for other people’s advancement. You’ll also not want to inadvertently make them feel like they are stumbling blocks—when, by applying the rule, you are merely admitting your own need for accountability.
When used tactfully and gently, there is a lot of merit to the principles underneath the “Billy Graham Rule”—way more merit than people today often allow for. It kept Billy Graham and lots and lots of men and women like him from falling into the temptation to have an affair.
“It kept Billy Graham and lots and lots of men and women like him from falling into the temptation to have an affair.”
More importantly, Jesus was clear about taking action to prevent sexual sin in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:27-30:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” (Matthew 5:27-30, NIV)
Even if he is utilizing hyperbole, Jesus is teaching the importance of taking serious steps to avoid sexual sin, and thus to avoid God’s judgment. Maybe in your case, it’s not the “Billy Graham Rule,” but, whatever you choose, you should prayerfully and diligently create specific rules, even if they seem extreme by society’s measurements, if you want to protect your marriage.
“You should prayerfully and diligently create specific rules, even if they seem extreme by society’s measurements, if you want to protect your marriage.”
Here are a few of the boundaries in this area that I personally recommend:
- Put filters on your computers and phone to block sexually explicit content. Pornography, as the passage above teaches, cultivates the sin of lust and coaxes us into further sin, often by getting people used to and more accepting of sexual sin.
- Avoid movies, TV, music, books, etc., that make sexual immorality seem okay. They will wear your defenses down and encourage a mindset that makes you tolerant of sexual sin in your own life.
- Protect your marriage by avoiding, if possible, one-on-one time with those of the opposite sex who are not your spouse. If you must join a one-on-one time for work or other required meetings, give your spouse regular updates in order to have straightforward, shared awareness.
- Be careful to NOT develop private, emotionally intimate relationships with people of the opposite sex at work, church, etc. If such feelings for another person develop, immediately take measures, even if seem extreme to others, to protect your marriage.
Soon, I will have been married for over forty years, and I am so grateful that my wife and I agreed to uphold high boundaries to protect our marriage from the beginning. These boundaries created trust and security because we were looking out for each other by being careful in every situation we faced. We know that it is possible to be attracted to and develop feelings for others, so we have been very careful to develop habits and boundaries to make sure such feelings do not lead anywhere.
Fifth, if there is an affair in your marriage, you can still save the marriage by God’s grace.
As I pointed out above, a surprisingly high number of marriages will experience affairs. When that happens, it is important to know that most of those marriages can still be saved. Let me say it again for emphasis: marriages that experience affairs can be saved.
Some of the biggest barriers for people who experience affairs in the church are the guilt, fear, and shame experienced, even for the spouse who did not have the affair. Too often, an outsized obstacle for disciples of Jesus is their fearfulness of what others, especially church leaders, will think.
It must be said clearly and loudly: God forgives. Jesus’ specialty is forgiveness and mercy. Good church leaders champion these things. Good church leaders help those who have fallen into sin experience and know God’s forgiveness, grace, and mercy. They provide practical steps so that the marriage can find both forgiveness and the tools needed to restore the marriage.
If your marriage is in trouble, don’t let your fear and shame stop you from going to a trusted church leader for help. They can also give you direction to God-honoring Christian counselors to save your marriage.
“If your marriage is in trouble, don’t let your fear and shame stop you from going to a trusted church leader for help.”
We also recommend two outside resources (although there are many more):
- GraceMarriage.com – Grace Marriage helps churches reimagine marriage ministry and equips couples to build marriages that reflect the Gospel. See their story here.
- MarriageHelper.com – Kimberly Holmes leads the team, and they provide wonderful resources, including a workshop which has a 70% success rate in saving marriages even in the face of active affairs.
The story of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11 is tragic. But it is also an important teaching in God’s Word that provides us with a realistic perspective on life and affairs. Applying the wisdom of Scripture and boundaries to our lives can help save many marriages.
